My thoughts on apologies have always been pretty harsh and negative. I don't apologize very easily and I don't accept apologies very easily. The word "sorry" has just never had any meaning to me. I've always looked at apologies as a load of crap. Like, don't bother saying sorry, you just never should have done [whatever they're apologizing for] in the first place. Mostly, I view accepting an apology as --- giving that person permission to do that shit again. More often than not, when I've accepted someones "sorry", I got burned again. But now here I am at 31 years old and I'm realizing how stupid that is. Well, not entirely stupid. But my point is that I feel like I'm wasting so much energy on not letting shit go. I can say that over the last few years I have learned to let A LOT go, but not enough yet for me to feel at peace. I hold on to the bad shit people do to me. No matter how big or small, bad is bad and I will not ever let you forget what you did, what you said, how you made me feel. And it is goddamn suffocating. I've tried self help books, and I've tried therapy but end up quitting because they usually just annoy me. I've thought of anger management classes (because I am a FIREBALL) but I really don't think "anger" is what needs management. I think it's all my emotions as a whole that need management. Even when I have happy emotions, I get overly excited about things! Everything is extreme with me. Ok, my anger is for sure more extreme than the rest but it also is like 75% better than it used to be. I guess I need "emotion management" to kill of that other 25%. Do they have those classes anywhere? Or is that just called "drink wine, do shots"?
And I let people's lies really eat me up. I would really prefer to choke out people when they lie to me, but I can't so I let it fester in me and I develop all this hatred for them. Like, what the fuck though, why can't you just be honest? Especially over something so stupid. Ugh, those are the worst. But why am I letting it get to me? They are the ones that have to live with themselves knowing they are a piece of shit. I lay my head down at night knowing that I have nothing to hide. Now let me tell you, I was not always this way. I used to have plenty to hide. I had all kinds of secrets from all kinds of people. Big ones, awful ones. But then.... I grew the fuck up. And I changed all of that. I changed so much that I'm not even a good liar anymore, I could never get away with a lie. I can't imagine being the person I am today and looking right in someones face and lying to them. About anything. (Unless I don't care about you because then I just don't care.) But I can't control what choices other people make. I can only control how I react about it. And that is where my change needs to come in. My brother once told me, a long time ago: "you can't always control your emotions but you can control what you do about them" and "don't let other people control your emotions". I swear I have never forgotten those words, but I find them so impossible to live by. I've been like this for my whole life, how am I just supposed to just change? Letting shit get to me is so embedded in who I am as a person. And it often makes me a really shitty person. In all honesty, it's absolutely another reason why I don't think I will ever be a mom. It's why I think I'll be a shitty mom. And sometimes I try so hard to focus on not getting upset about things, that I end up giving myself anxiety. Ain't that a vicious cycle!?
|may or may not. you will find out soon.|