My Biggest Flaw (and other tidbits)

My thoughts on apologies have always been pretty harsh and negative. I don't apologize very easily and I don't accept apologies very easily. The word "sorry" has just never had any meaning to me. I've always looked at apologies as a load of crap. Like, don't bother saying sorry, you just never should have done [whatever they're apologizing for] in the first place. Mostly, I view accepting an apology as --- giving that person permission to do that shit again. More often than not, when I've accepted someones "sorry", I got burned again. But now here I am at 31 years old and I'm realizing how stupid that is. Well, not entirely stupid. But my point is that I feel like I'm wasting so much energy on not letting shit go. I can say that over the last few years I have learned to let A LOT go, but not enough yet for me to feel at peace. I hold on to the bad shit people do to me. No matter how big or small, bad is bad and I will not ever let you forget what you did, what you said, how you made me feel. And it is goddamn suffocating. I've tried self help books,  and I've tried therapy but end up quitting because they usually just annoy me. I've thought of anger management classes (because I am a FIREBALL) but I really don't think "anger" is what needs management. I think it's all my emotions as a whole that need management. Even when I have happy emotions, I get overly excited about things! Everything is extreme with me. Ok, my anger is for sure more extreme than the rest but it also is like 75% better than it used to be. I guess I need "emotion management" to kill of that other 25%. Do they have those classes anywhere? Or is that just called "drink wine, do shots"? 

And I let people's lies really eat me up. I would really prefer to choke out people when they lie to me, but I can't so I let it fester in me and I develop all this hatred for them. Like, what the fuck though, why can't you just be honest? Especially over something so stupid. Ugh, those are the worst. But why am I letting it get to me? They are the ones that have to live with themselves knowing they are a piece of shit. I lay my head down at night knowing that I have nothing to hide. Now let me tell you, I was not always this way. I used to have plenty to hide. I had all kinds of secrets from all kinds of people. Big ones, awful ones. But then.... I grew the fuck up. And I changed all of that. I changed so much that I'm not even a good liar anymore, I could never get away with a lie. I can't imagine being the person I am today and looking right in someones face and lying to them. About anything. (Unless I don't care about you because then I just don't care.) But I can't control what choices other people make. I can only control how I react about it. And that is where my change needs to come in. My brother once told me, a long time ago: "you can't always control your emotions but you can control what you do about them" and "don't let other people control your emotions". I swear I have never forgotten those words, but I find them so impossible to live by. I've been like this for my whole life, how am I just supposed to just change? Letting shit get to me is so embedded in who I am as a person. And it often makes me a really shitty person. In all honesty, it's absolutely another reason why I don't think I will ever be a mom. It's why I think I'll be a shitty mom.  And sometimes I try so hard to focus on not getting upset about things, that I end up giving myself anxiety. Ain't that a vicious cycle!?

Does anyone else have a hard time letting things go? 
What do you do to make it easier for you?
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Three more things to say:
1) this may or may not be being delivered to my house on Tuesday
may or may not. you will find out soon.

2) I'm going to VEGAS FOR MY FIRST TIME EVER!!! if you've been following along, you know that my brother showed up at my door last week as a total surprise!! Him and his girlfriend have been down in San Diego for the week for work, heading home soon, so we decided to meet in Vegas to hang out one last time before they go back east. Me and Vanessa have never been to Vegas. The boyfriend has been a million times and my brother used to live there for a few months. I've lived in LA for a few years and Vegas is only a 3-4 hour drive, yet I have never gotten off my ass to go. I AM SO EXCITED! FINALLY! I can't wait to eat at the Bellagio buffet!  I'm mostly excited about all the FOOD. I already know everywhere that I want to eat!

3) The day is so so close! It's so almost here! The start of my monthly Wine Reviews goes live tomorrow! This is my first time hosting a Link-Up on my own so I'm super nervous. I really hope that people will join in, I'm always trying new wines and there's legit like 35913705972395729 of them out there, so why not share them?! Check out this post for details. It will go live on 8/31 and stay open for 2 weeks, close, and re-open on the last day of Sept, and repeat each month. Ahhhhh! 




Oh and let's BackThatAzzUp with Whitney....

13 comments :

  1. I love your honesty in this post. Seriously you have owned up to your flaws and are showcasing them to the world - that in itself is huge and I think it's very cool of you to do that.

    I agree completely with what your brother said. You can't change how certain things happen or what people do, but you can change how you respond to them. I say in my blog all the time (not to get preachy or anything) you can't have peace in your world until you have peace within yourself. And a part of having peach within yourself is having complete control over your emotions, not the other way around.

    People will always be people. Some will be generous, nice, sweet, and then some will be cruel, fucked up, and just bad people. And honestly - I find dealing with those people the most enlightening. Because no matter what you do to me, I will always be okay. But for someone who is cruel or mean or lies all the time I simply wonder "What are you going through? What has happened to you to cause you to be this way? Do you have hope in your life? Are you happy?" Because I'm in control of myself and my emotions, instead of having anger towards the stupid actions of others I am instead curious, sympathetic, and forgiving.

    My mom always tells me "You never know what people are going through. Never. That person could be going through hell right now, and you will never know." And that always sticks with me. So instead of being angry, I wish peace for them. People's words, their actions cannot break who I am and they cannot break my happiness and because of that - I am strong; And I wish that strength onto everyone else, ESPECIALLY the people I dislike, ESPECIALLY the people who are mean.

    You will get there!! Eventually things will not get to you, and instead of pissing you off you will want to pray to baby jesus for those people!!!!!


    (omg this was really long & preachy and hippie-ish! I swear I'm not always this serious!! haha).

    Zauni | The Kind Side

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    1. And I totally said "peach" instead of peace* omg. I need to cut back on the coffee and get my life together smh lol.

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  2. obviously easier said than done, but I think at a point you just have to move on from things that happen. I think you have to have the mind set that not everyone that does something bad or lies to you is out to hurt you . good luck!

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  3. It takes me FOREVER to get over things. Unless someone seriously has some kind of an amazing apology, a trip to Europe, some flowers and chocolate, I don't get over it for a day or a few more. Just because you said you're sorry doesn't mean I'm suddenly okay or happy. I am still angry/upset/annoyed with you, so leave me alone!!!

    YAY for Vegas!!! WAHOO

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  4. I really agree with you on this - saying sorry is something I have a hard time with too, like, don't fuck up in the first place and do something terrible! But yea sometimes it does take a lot of effort to hold onto anger and mistakes others have made. At the end of the day though, I just want everyone to get along. If I see that the person is genuinely sorry (this definitely takes a lot of evaluating), I tend to just move on and prefer for everything to never be brought up again!

    <3, Charlotte

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  5. Ugh I have the same sort of issues with emotions. I over feel things. When I'm mad, every bone and cell in my body is furious. I scream, I break glasses, I tell people I hate them. It's really awful. And when I'm sad it's consuming. I am in the depths of despair. I lay on the ground in the bathroom and cry. When I'm happy I jump and yell and hug everyone around. Over feeling everything is exhausting. I'm trying to see a therapist to work it out, however it is a long and difficult process and in all honesty I don't know how much it has really helped.

    I'm excited for your unicorn and Vegas and wine link up!!!

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  6. Although I really try not to hold a grudge, I do have a hard time letting things go. I feel similarly about aplogies. Saying sorry is not a get out of jail free card! "Sorry" makes sense if something really was an accident, like you tripped and accidentally broke the glass of milk you were holding. Or if you really didn't know your actions would hurt someone, like you teased your friend about her freckles without realizing what a sensitive topic it is for her. But saying mean things, or stealing, or physically hurting someone, those are things you can't just say "sorry" and have forgiven. There are a few people in this world who have hurt me in ways I just cannot forgive. When I find myself brewing about things, one trick I do is to visualize myself crumpling up the memory like a piece of paper and throwing it away. But that doesn't necessarily mean I forgive the person. It just means I don't want to keep on re-experiencing the pain over and over again!

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  7. I have a hard time letting go also. my dad isn't exactly captain emotion, and i definitely follow the trend of bottling things up and letting them stew for years and years. I am getting better in recent years, with the help of some therapy and soul searching. :-/

    I'm excited for your linkup, I will be grabbing myself a new bottle tomorrow!

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  8. This post is like you got inside my head 6 months ago and wrote it all down! I can completely relate to what you are saying and to be honest, reading it made me realise how far I've come. But then I got to thinking about what I did to come that far and I'm not 100% sure. All I know is, I just care less now. I care less about if people lie, because that's something negative on them and not me. If they feel the need to lie, let them get on with it.
    As for not forgiving/letting go, I've found it gets easier the more I've opened myself up to it.

    Mainly, I've started focussing on a lot more positives than negatives in my life and it really has helped.

    Kate @ diariesofanessexgirl.com

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  9. Love the honesty! And the fact that you can admit all of this is HUGE. On a lighter note, wtf is that unicorn head?! I can't wait to hear about your trip to Vegas! I've been once but want to go again!

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  10. Oh man, my husband keeps threatening to buy a horse mask/head that looks just like that unicorn one!

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  11. I'm the same way - always have been. I am very unforgiving because I take things personally. Being a good friend is easy - to me if you care about someone it just comes naturally. As far as I'm concerned if you F me over, hurt my feelings, lie to me or take advantage of me it's because you don't REALLY care that much (or at all.) Which is how I justify being unforgiving. I mean I can be a cold, cold B. In the past it was kind of a joke between my friends, I was the mean one. I was the one you didn't want to piss off because you never knew what I'd consider a friendship ruiner.
    I see it as a self preservation thing - we are responsible for ourselves and our well being. If we won't go above and beyond to take care of ourselves physically AND mentally we absolutely can't put that responsibility on anyone else.

    I finally figured it out though! There has to be balance. Anger makes us irrational. When I was younger I burned a lot of bridges, cut off a lot of people and walked away from some great friendships because my anger at people's carelessness blinded me to the fact that we're all human and everyone F's up on occasion. It isn't always purposeful. It isn't always personal.

    So my solution was a single tell-all therapy session and some great meds. (I see my Dr. every few months to "check in" because I'm not really a fan of the whole therapy thing either.) I finally resigned myself to the fact that anger is a sign/symptom of depression. My meds balanced out my anger, took away my tendency of being too harsh on people and making rash decisions (you know, like telling everyone to F RIGHT OFF) Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near being a pushover, I don't think anyone would consider me passive and I'm not living in a land of fluffy cloud and unicorns BUT I let things go easier, I don't get SO worked up so fast, especially over small shit and those changes have made me so much happier (and nicer, so my friends say. HA!)

    :D There's nothing wrong with you. Pinky swear.

    LittleBirdBlogs

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  12. I have been actively trying to be better about letting things go but it is TOUGH! I take things very personally which in turn makes me oversensitive so I hold on to the hurts longer. i totally get where you are coming from. Hopefully we can both work on this!

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