Why I May Never Be A Mom

Maybe I always knew and just didn't want to believe it, but I'm realizing lately that being a mommy is most likely not in my future. I'm gonna be in my mid 30's pretty soon. I never wanted to be an older mom. I don't wanna be putting my kid on the school bus when I'm in my 40's. I'm not saying 30's and 40's are old years, at all! I just don't want to be a first time mom at that age.  It's harder when you're older, my mom had my sister at 42, and I could see it is hard! Your energy is just not the same as it is in your late 20s early 30s. And now my sister is in middle school, heading to high school soon and my mom is in her mid 50's. Imagine being almost 60 and having a teenage daughter. I just think the quality of life for everyone involved is not as well as it could be. And let's not forget the issues the baby could have with the older I get.

I can't decide if I'll be ok with never having kids or not. A part of me wants to cry and fall to pieces over the thought of not being a mom. And a part of me thinks it would be a relief, peaceful, money saving, world traveling, all those kind of thoughts. Is that selfish? For all I know, maybe I can't even have kids. I'm 31 now, I suppose it's time to get a doctor to check everything out and see if I'm in working order. Maybe my organs will make the decision for me. How terrifying. I get so sad when I read women blogging about their infertility. And now I feel selfish for even thinking of not having kids, when there's so many women out there that do want kids and can't. 

But let me give you a few reasons why, based on my opinions and personal situation. Things are not how they used to be in America. Back in the day you could easily own a house and have only one parent working, while one is at home with the kids, etc. It's not like that anymore (for most of us). Life is way too expensive. In most cases, both parents have to work, which I feel leaves little time and energy for kids. Oh and day care costs as much a someones rent or mortgage. That's crazy! I never want it to be harder than it should be. I want to be able to give my child what I didn't have, (that is not a materialistic comment) quality of life. Time well spent, family vacations, activities, etc. Not the whole "no time, gotta work!" I also don't want some stranger raising my kid. I know there are great daycares out there but sorry, personally I'm not ok with having to go back to work after 3 months maternity leave and handing my infant child over to some stranger so they can develop the bond that I want. No. I want to be with my child for at least the first 2 years. Also, I don't know how much I want to raise a kid in Los Angeles. And I don't exactly wanna move back to MA just to raise a kid. All of our family and friends are back there so we could have help if we ever needed it, we have no one out here. The cost of everything out here in CA is so high, and omg the LA school district is horrific! There aren't even words to describe how disgusting it is. Read the news, that's all you need. I'd have to put my kids in private school and that's just more money....

Ya never know, things could always turn around in this country, or I could win powerball! But then I'd most likely just travel the world and vacation in places like the Maldives and even the Amazon rainforest, and spend a lot of peaceful time chillin on a boat somewhere that great whites breach, so maybe kids wouldn't work in that situation either.

Maybe I should freeze my eggs? I'm not getting any younger, and time keeps moving, faster and faster it seems. I just don't know what I want to do. But I do know that if I were to have a kid right now or even in the next year, it would be a mess! It wouldn't work. I commend women (and men) that don't let the struggle scare them away from the beauty and joy of having children, but that struggle is just not for me. I would feel really selfish if I had a kid when I wasn't ready and in turn that would bring stress and struggle into my child's life. Not to say that you can't "make it work" and "do the best you can" or whatever you have to tell yourself to get thru the struggle, but it just shouldn't be that way.

Can we also talk about the fear of anything tragic ever happening?! You see it on the news all the time, everyday. Kidnapping, murders, molestation, etc. I can't even fathom the thought of ever having to deal with that, it absolutely terrifies me. If someone ever yelled at my kid, I'd lose my shit. Never mind if someone caused physical harm. I'd be in all kinds of jail for all kinds of murder.

Also, what if I'm just not good at being a parent? I have an overwhelming fear that I'm gonna be a shitty mom. The thought of being a mom is so scary, taking care of another life, a tiny helpless little life. The massive negative effect you could have on that human being with one tiny mistake. That is terrifying. Another fear is if I ever end up being a single mom. Don't get me wrong, some of you single moms handle that shit like 87 parents in one. It's incredible and I don't know how you do it because I can't imagine that I could. I grew up in a broken home, and I never wanted to raise my kids in the same environment.

Reading back, it's pretty obvious that if all this is on my mind, I'm DEFINITELY not ready to have kids anytime soon. Or are these the normal fears that most women have? 

Ok, speaking of children... today is DeNiro's 1st birthday!!! I'm kinda sad he's no longer a "kitten" but I'm super excited to celebrate his birthday because he's getting sashimi!!! I wish he could understand. 


12 comments :

  1. I found out I was pregnant when I was 33 (SURPRISE), before that I never wanted to have a baby for every single reason you just listed, but the day I knew I was pregnant I fell in love with a little baby I hadn't even met yet.

    We've made all kinds of compromises to make it work, at first mommy worked all day and daddy worked in the evenings so we didn't have to pay an arm and a leg for daycare and one of us was always with her. Now I work from home and daddy still works at night and we still don't do day care.

    When I think about it I could never imagine having her when I was any younger. I was way to into me and getting my life straight. While I do have a lot lower energy than she does we still play and have a lot of fun. The first year was so hard but each year it gets easier, of course she is only 3 so the dreaded teen years are yet to come.

    I don't think there is ever a perfect time to have a baby. I tell people if you want a baby just do it, your love for baby will make everything else work out.

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  2. Major. It sounds like your mind is made up, though, yeah? I don't think it's selfish at all, quite the opposite. Selfish is having a kid so you have someone to love you back or to try and save a relationship. What you're saying is if I can't do this with my whole heart and energy, then I'm not doing it. Dude, that's the best way of thinking!
    I think you're being super smart and levelheaded. On the egg freezing front, I did this last year. I found the process fascinating but it's not cheap. Not sure what the pricing is in the USA but in Toronto is cost me just under $15k. But now I can chillax and worry about babies later. High five to you!

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  3. I got back and forth on whether or not I want children, my parents set out to have busy careers and travel all over and eight years into their marriage I came along, so I guess I get that hint of selfishness from them:) Although they were great parents. I am totally with you on the older parent thing, I seriously think it would be easier to have a kid at 19 than 39!

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  4. First, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DeNiro kitty!!!


    And two.

    holy crap, can I relate to you/this post. i don't even know where to begin, but i'm so happy to read these words knowing that i'm not the only person who is struggling with this. i'm turning 28. still obviously have some time to make a decision on kids.

    kids are such a big expense. all of the feelings you are having i am having too, and i feel like such a JERK that i'm calling myself selfish, for wanting to keep my naps, go on vacations, be free to do whatever i want. but a major part of me is so extremely scared. i'm so awkward around babies. i dont have the bones in me to be a mother. i feel so out of place when im with my neices. its so sad. i just don't know!

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  5. THANK YOU for writing this post. I have an blog in my drafts on this very subject. I have chosen not to have kids because it just isn't for me. And that's an OK decision, but a huge chunk of society tells us women we are weird if we aren't head over heels with the idea of mommyhood.

    I have plans for my life that don't work with children. Not unless I win the lotto or triple my income. Bottom line for me is I don't want to struggle to make it work, and find all sorts of ways to juggle having a child, never take vacations, and give up my independence. It's not to say I wouldn't love them more than anything, but I just don't think it's fair in my circumstance. We would both have to work & couldn't afford all the luxuries (private school, etc). And to be honest, society's current state doesn't really thrill me for raising a child in...

    I could go on. But I'll stop :) Thanks for sharing!!

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  6. Oh girl, I totally feel you. I am only 21 but I have thought a lot about being a young versus older woman and having a child. All together, it is scary to think about how expensive it is!! I can barely afford myself sometimes let alone another person! There is nothing wrong with thinking like this!! :)

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  7. It sounds to me like you really do want kids, but are trying to talk yourself out of it because you're afraid it's too late. I know because I do the exact same thing to myself every day. I always swore up and down that if I did not have children by 30, I wasn't going to start. I don't want to be an old mom, and I still don't. Will my stomach tighten back up after pregnancy like it may have in my 20's? Am I putting the potential child at risk of major cognitive disorders if I got pregnant at this point? Will I still have kids at home when the rest of my friends are enjoying retirement later in life? These are all things that I think about and scare the sh*t out of me on a regular basis. Yet, because I've always imagined being a mom, my idea of what an "old" mom is is definitely being questioned. I'm still not sure what I'll end up doing, but I'm sure it will be what is meant to be. Really resonated with this post! Thanks!

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  8. This post really hit home for me. I'm 31 and married less than a year but we have decided not to have kids. We went from the idea to just having one to thinking about what we really want from our lives (traveling, possibly living abroad for husband's career) and those things are not conducive to being parents. It can be a little lonely being a child free women when most women around you are mothers.

    I found your blog via Whitney's blog.


    alifelesstravel.blogspot.com

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  9. I just found your blog through I Wore Yoga Pants To Work! I followed this particular link because it grabbed my attention... I have a lot of the same feelings. I have always wanted to be a mom... in fact in high school I imagined myself being a mom by the time I was 21! But for various reasons it never happened. I've had to watch all of my friends, and even my little brother, start their own families, while I longed for my own. On the other hand, I somewhat considered not having kids, because of the reasons you mentioned... like what if something bad happens to them, or what if I'm not that great of a parent, and even What if my kid is allergic to animals because I am NOT giving up my dogs or any future pets I have!
    I think when I get my own place to live and get more stable, I'm going to be a foster parent and adopt through foster care. But I still feel sad that I might not ever give birth to a newborn baby.

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  10. I can relate to so many points in your post. I am turning 27 the end of this month and it seems like ALL my friends are having babies! And I always though growing up, I'd have my life in order by the age of 25 with a husband and maybe 1 kid maybe another on the way. But no kids, no hubby (just an amazing boyfriend), life in order? HELL NO, but I am extremely happy with where my life is now versus where it was this time last year.

    The two things you wrote about that spoke loudly to me were the Expenses of having a child & raising a child or children in a broken home. I flip back and forth with the idea of moving from Long Island (NY) and down to Florida; I never want to leave NY I was born/raised here, but than I realize how much cheaper it is to live in Florida, housing, mortgage, etc. So I'd have to be either living in FL already or be ready to move while pregnant. I already have family that is down there plus family that are ready to move down there, so I'd have support.

    The broken home, I also was brought up in a broken home. I live with my mom, she is/was a GREAT parent and did an amazing job doing the single mom thing with a daughter. She is my best friend, I can talk to her about anything and everything. My father and I unfortunately do not have that type of relationship. I don't want my child/children growing up in a broken home, I want to give them the world, not materialistic things, but I want to be there for them as much as my mom was there for me.

    After that little novel I wrote I just want to say that your post is amazing and I definitely look forward to reading more! I found you from Two Martinis

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  11. You read my mind with this post basically. If I have a child I want to have it and raise it the way I want to and if I can't then I'm not so sure I want to do it at all.

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  12. I understand so many of your points. I have a lot of the same fears now that I'm at that age where "so when are we going to have some kids?" is being thrown around at my house. I don't know that having fears means you aren't ready. Maybe you can only be ready ENOUGH for kids?


    www.emeraldsandstripes.com

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