Maybe I always knew and just didn't want to believe it, but I'm realizing lately that being a mommy is most likely not in my future. I'm gonna be in my mid 30's pretty soon. I never wanted to be an older mom. I don't wanna be putting my kid on the school bus when I'm in my 40's. I'm not saying 30's and 40's are old years, at all! I just don't want to be a first time mom at that age. It's harder when you're older, my mom had my sister at 42, and I could see it is hard! Your energy is just not the same as it is in your late 20s early 30s. And now my sister is in middle school, heading to high school soon and my mom is in her mid 50's. Imagine being almost 60 and having a teenage daughter. I just think the quality of life for everyone involved is not as well as it could be. And let's not forget the issues the baby could have with the older I get.
I can't decide if I'll be ok with never having kids or not. A part of me wants to cry and fall to pieces over the thought of not being a mom. And a part of me thinks it would be a relief, peaceful, money saving, world traveling, all those kind of thoughts. Is that selfish? For all I know, maybe I can't even have kids. I'm 31 now, I suppose it's time to get a doctor to check everything out and see if I'm in working order. Maybe my organs will make the decision for me. How terrifying. I get so sad when I read women blogging about their infertility. And now I feel selfish for even thinking of not having kids, when there's so many women out there that do want kids and can't.
But let me give you a few reasons why, based on my opinions and personal situation. Things are not how they used to be in America. Back in the day you could easily own a house and have only one parent working, while one is at home with the kids, etc. It's not like that anymore (for most of us). Life is way too expensive. In most cases, both parents have to work, which I feel leaves little time and energy for kids. Oh and day care costs as much a someones rent or mortgage. That's crazy! I never want it to be harder than it should be. I want to be able to give my child what I didn't have, (that is not a materialistic comment) quality of life. Time well spent, family vacations, activities, etc. Not the whole "no time, gotta work!" I also don't want some stranger raising my kid. I know there are great daycares out there but sorry, personally I'm not ok with having to go back to work after 3 months maternity leave and handing my infant child over to some stranger so they can develop the bond that I want. No. I want to be with my child for at least the first 2 years. Also, I don't know how much I want to raise a kid in Los Angeles. And I don't exactly wanna move back to MA just to raise a kid. All of our family and friends are back there so we could have help if we ever needed it, we have no one out here. The cost of everything out here in CA is so high, and omg the LA school district is horrific! There aren't even words to describe how disgusting it is. Read the news, that's all you need. I'd have to put my kids in private school and that's just more money....
Ya never know, things could always turn around in this country, or I could win powerball! But then I'd most likely just travel the world and vacation in places like the Maldives and even the Amazon rainforest, and spend a lot of peaceful time chillin on a boat somewhere that great whites breach, so maybe kids wouldn't work in that situation either.
Maybe I should freeze my eggs? I'm not getting any younger, and time keeps moving, faster and faster it seems. I just don't know what I want to do. But I do know that if I were to have a kid right now or even in the next year, it would be a mess! It wouldn't work. I commend women (and men) that don't let the struggle scare them away from the beauty and joy of having children, but that struggle is just not for me. I would feel really selfish if I had a kid when I wasn't ready and in turn that would bring stress and struggle into my child's life. Not to say that you can't "make it work" and "do the best you can" or whatever you have to tell yourself to get thru the struggle, but it just shouldn't be that way.
Can we also talk about the fear of anything tragic ever happening?! You see it on the news all the time, everyday. Kidnapping, murders, molestation, etc. I can't even fathom the thought of ever having to deal with that, it absolutely terrifies me. If someone ever yelled at my kid, I'd lose my shit. Never mind if someone caused physical harm. I'd be in all kinds of jail for all kinds of murder.
Also, what if I'm just not good at being a parent? I have an overwhelming fear that I'm gonna be a shitty mom. The thought of being a mom is so scary, taking care of another life, a tiny helpless little life. The massive negative effect you could have on that human being with one tiny mistake. That is terrifying. Another fear is if I ever end up being a single mom. Don't get me wrong, some of you single moms handle that shit like 87 parents in one. It's incredible and I don't know how you do it because I can't imagine that I could. I grew up in a broken home, and I never wanted to raise my kids in the same environment.
Reading back, it's pretty obvious that if all this is on my mind, I'm DEFINITELY not ready to have kids anytime soon. Or are these the normal fears that most women have?
Ok, speaking of children... today is DeNiro's 1st birthday!!! I'm kinda sad he's no longer a "kitten" but I'm super excited to celebrate his birthday because he's getting sashimi!!! I wish he could understand.