5 Years.

Today I want to share with you my innermost truth. 

5 years ago I made a choice. I made a choice to stop. I made a choice to stop abusing myself. I just quit. I hit a wall and was like "that's it".  I finally had a goal and a light ahead. Something to look forward to. Change.




I had spent many years battling an up and down drug addiction that not really anyone in my every day life truly knew about. I lived a lie, I spent countless hours locked in my bedroom being self destructive, I felt worthless. I didn't care about anything. I didn't even care if it killed me. I had lived in darkness since I was in the womb, so I felt like I had been doomed from the start. I didn't want to remember anything anymore, I didn't want to feel anything anymore. I wanted to disappear. 




October of 2008 is when things started to really spin around in my head. I was about to receive a settlement from an accident in a restaurant. I also had the opportunity to move to California and get away from everything that I was drowning in (outside of the addiction). A fresh start was placed in front of me. Change. Change was finally an option. What could I do with this money? Continue what I was doing and take it to an extreme that would have without a doubt killed me? Or move away? I locked that money away with my bank, so that I couldn't touch it until the day that I was boarding the plane. I just stopped. And I moved 3000 miles away from everything that had ever hurt me. Although it was a struggle when I made that choice, it all worked out




I have a little bit of debt that I'm still paying off because I spent so much of every pay check so that I could have what I wanted. What I needed. (Yes, I worked thru most of that time. I was a "functional" addict due to the drug of choice.) This never goes away. Even when those debts are gone, the addiction will forever live in me. It will never die. I fight on the daily to make the right choices. And I am goddamn lucky that I have someone by my side that would be devastated if I ever went backwards. I am lucky to have someone supportive and loving that keeps me strong. Robert, there have been days that were not anything close to easy, when I have fallen to the ground in tears and you have picked me up and put strength in me to keep going. And here I am 5 years later. Five years.
 



If you have been through this, congratulations on making it out alive! If you are going through this, know that you are not alone and even in the darkest moments, I can promise you that there is light somewhere. Don't give up on yourself, even if everyone has given up on you. "At the root of all addiction is pain", you have to face it. 

27 comments :

  1. I had no idea you had traveled such a rough road. Big hugs from Canada to you, you're amazing!

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  2. I cried. Good for you girl :) Most people aren't lucky enough to make it through it and it takes an even stronger person to share the story.

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  3. Congratulations on five years. This is really inspiring and i'm glad to see you're on a better path!

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  4. Congratulations! 5 years is really a cause for celebration. There is addiction in my family and I have seen how it can destroy you. You ARE stronger than the drugs and thoughts. I'm so very happy for you, and proud that you are able to share your story to help someone else who may need it. :)

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  5. Congratulations on five years!! That's a huge accomplishment and I applaud you for sharing a part of your story!

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  6. Congrats on 5 years. It's hard and I've been there, I know how it feels to look back on that.
    There are two occasions I can recall like it was yesterday, more than all the rest, and I think to myself, I could have died. Terrifying to me now that I'm in a different frame of mind.

    Kudos to you for moving forward and sharing your story!!!

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  7. Oh I really like how you're sharing so much of yourself in your blog. Congrats on such a HUGE accomplishment! I have witnessed you from way back then making your move to Cali and how you had to move away to Tennessee?? I think it was? then moved back to Cali. You are so blessed for having sacrificed so much to get your life back on track. You're an inspiration girlie!

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  8. Congratulations on five years! That is incredibly awesome and I am beyond the moon proud of you. It's hard to fight against something every.single.day but you're living proof that it works. Amazing.

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  9. That is awesome! So proud of you! And I love that quote about change... just like that. I couldn't agree more!

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  10. yea it was TN. thanks girl! love you!

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  11. congratulations to you too twin! it's pretty incredible to look back on <3

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  12. thank you! it took me a couple years to be so boldly open about it, I just don't think keeping it secret does any good for me or for anyone else that might need to here it :)

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  13. thank you so much! that is partly why I like to be open about it, someone else may need to hear it

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  14. we're in the lucky&strong club :)
    <3

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  15. Wow, thank you for sharing and congratulations on making it so far.

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  16. Good for you! I have been thinking about giving it up because even though I haven't really had an issue with addiction, I literally HATE the way I feel the morning after 2 glasses of wine, and it makes it hard for me to get up when I have to work out early in the morning.


    http://cheriarmour.com

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