Today I want to share with you my innermost truth.
5 years ago I made a choice. I made a choice to stop. I made a choice to stop abusing myself. I just quit. I hit a wall and was like "that's it". I finally had a goal and a light ahead. Something to look forward to. Change.
I had spent many years battling an up and down drug addiction that not really anyone in my every day life truly knew about. I lived a lie, I spent countless hours locked in my bedroom being self destructive, I felt worthless. I didn't care about anything. I didn't even care if it killed me. I had lived in darkness since I was in the womb, so I felt like I had been doomed from the start. I didn't want to remember anything anymore, I didn't want to feel anything anymore. I wanted to disappear.
October of 2008 is when things started to really spin around in my head. I was about to receive a settlement from an accident in a restaurant. I also had the opportunity to move to California and get away from everything that I was drowning in (outside of the addiction). A fresh start was placed in front of me. Change. Change was finally an option. What could I do with this money? Continue what I was doing and take it to an extreme that would have without a doubt killed me? Or move away? I locked that money away with my bank, so that I couldn't touch it until the day that I was boarding the plane. I just stopped. And I moved 3000 miles away from everything that had ever hurt me. Although it was a struggle when I made that choice, it all worked out.
I have a little bit of debt that I'm still paying off because I spent so much of every pay check so that I could have what I wanted. What I needed. (Yes, I worked thru most of that time. I was a "functional" addict due to the drug of choice.) This never goes away. Even when those debts are gone, the addiction will forever live in me. It will never die. I fight on the daily to make the right choices. And I am goddamn lucky that I have someone by my side that would be devastated if I ever went backwards. I am lucky to have someone supportive and loving that keeps me strong. Robert, there have been days that were not anything close to easy, when I have fallen to the ground in tears and you have picked me up and put strength in me to keep going. And here I am 5 years later. Five years.
If you have been through this, congratulations on making it out alive! If you are going through this, know that you are not alone and even in the darkest moments, I can promise you that there is light somewhere. Don't give up on yourself, even if everyone has given up on you. "At the root of all addiction is pain", you have to face it.