A Brick Off My Wall ... Again

I have issues and I've never been ashamed of them. Mostly because you, you, you and you have them also. We're all human and we're all a little screwed up. I struggle with the common things most of us do; anxiety, stress, sometimes depression and other things as well. But not nearly as much as I used to. Not even close. Before I had let go of a lot of nonsense that was weighing me down, I was all of these things (and then some!) all day everyday and it was a very nasty bubble to live in. I hated myself so much. As I've grown and experienced happier things in life, I've kinda just let things go, they just... fell away. But unfortunately it's not that simple with everything. Particularly in how I act when things upset me, or what I allow to upset me. Those two things are the main cause of my anger and anxiety. If I just learn to control my emotions will everything be better? No. Maybe? Probably. I'm not sure. (I've talked about this before on My Biggest Flaw). 



So since I'm not sure what will help, I took a step that I've taken many times before and reached out to a therapist. I've been in and out of therapy since I was legit in the womb, thanks to my screwed up parents. So I'm very familiar with the journey. But I do.not.like.it. I hate being vulnerable, I hate the first few sessions of having to talk (again) about my childhood and other battles in life. It's so awkward and so uncomfortable and what if it doesn't help and I just opened up this wound all over again and what if this doctor sucks (like all my other ones), and what if... the list never ends. But I know that the vulnerability is necessary. And I have to suck it up and take a brick off the wall I've built up in order to get past the hurdles in the early stages of therapy if I really wanna fix myself. 


Although I have found so much peace in my life in comparison to the dark life that's now behind me, I don't think I've entirely found the peace that I'm looking for. And as corny and cliche as it sounds, I'm starting to realize that it's not going to be what's around me, but what's in me. Hopefully therapy this time around will help me to learn positive ways to deal with my negative emotions. My first appointment is this afternoon. Wish me luck!

21 comments :

  1. Good luck girl!!! You can talk to me if you ever need a listening ear...just an fyi. :)

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  2. I hope things go well this time and you can find someone you really like and trust! Smile :)

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  3. Thanks so much for your ability to be open and honest here. Have you ever worked with someone who does CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)? It's a great way to learn how to challenge negative thoughts. Hope your visit today goes well and you find the connection you've been looking for. Best of luck:)

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  4. Love this. I totally believe in therapy and once things settle down in my life I will be going back just to find some more peace and clarity. Good luck lady!

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  5. Good luck in therapy! I've been in and out too since I was a kid, and I always hate it as well. When I was young I liked having someone to talk to, but I definitely get tired of telling my entire story from the beginning, and I hate when they're like, "What do YOU want to get out of this?" and I'm like, "If I knew what I wanted, I wouldn't be in therapy!"

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  6. Good for you, therapy is a lot of work and you're a strong person to dive right on in. My therapist told me once that the more confident you are in your decisions, the less need you'll feel to justify them--golden. Stay awesome, girl!!

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  7. Good luck Kelly, I've been down the therapy road as well so I know where you're at. I always felt so awkward in therapy but the last lady I had was super awesome. I think it's all about finding the right fit for you.

    Also it does not sound corny, you are 100% right about finding your own inner peace, not looking at what's around you. That's still something I have to work on every single day.

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  8. Ugh I am right there with you. I need to learn how to distress and let things go. I worry and bottle things up. One of my biggest flaws is I am not good with confrontation so things build up. I def gotta work on that :)

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  9. kelly i hope the doctor you've chosen is someone that you can trust and feel open and comfortable with! good luck with your sessions. i think you're already on a positive path to feeling better.

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  10. thank you!! i may just take you up on that, and you can do the same!

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  11. i don't think that i have, which is probably why it's never worked out. she did bring that up yesterday so i think it's a good start with her already! :)

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  12. thank you Kay! it does feel good to be able to step up to myself and do what i need to do. :)

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  13. "peace and clarity" is exactly what my ultimate goal is. we got this girl, let's do it!

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  14. yea it's super stressful to bring everything up again! things went way better than expected yesterday though, like when i got home i actually felt good, instead of wanting to curl into a ball and die.

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  15. sounds like you had a good therapist! i love that quote.
    thanks for the support!

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  16. thank you!!! i totally agree it's about the right fit. many years ago, someone told me she went through SEVEN before she found the right one. although i only had one session, it was already a way better start and feeling than i've had with past dr's.

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  17. yea i'm guilty of bottling things up too, and then they come out in explosions over something dumb.
    it's gonna be a lot of work, but we'll get there ;)

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  18. thanks Lauren! it seems like a pretty good fit so far, hopefully she's finally the one :)

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  19. Been here. Recently. Talking to someone unbiased helps so much. My thoughts are with you, good luck doll.

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  20. Good for you! Good for you for opening up about this on your blog AND for going and doing something about it! That's something to be proud of and I hope you are! Good luck today!

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