A year ago on November 8th, I got the phone call that I always dreaded. It was the most painful moment of my life. My pug Becky had passed away. I can't even write that sentence without my eyes flooding.

I graduated high school in June 2000. I was in the shower one afternoon and my mom came banging on the door "you need to get out, hurry up!" Was my house on fire? What the hell was happening? I jumped out, wrapped my towel around me and opened the door in panic. She was standing in front of her bedroom door (that was closed, which was rare) and she handed me a card. "Hurry, open it fast!" I ripped it open, still having no idea what was going on and I saw a pug in a mailbox on the front of the card. Inside was a message from my mom telling me she hopes I enjoy my new bundle of joy and congrats on graduating high school! Oh.My.Gah. We opened the bedroom door and oh my fucking goodness my eyes were blessed with the most adorable little thing I had ever seen. A tiny little brand new baby PUG laying inside a gift bag on the bed. I will never forget that image. My heart melted, she was precious. She was perfect.

baby Becky.
A year and a half earlier we got our first puppy, a Boston Terrier named Bailey. The sweetest pup ever. He was an absolute angel. He passed away in early 2011, and I'll share his story in a post someday. 

He loved his new little sister so much! They were besties.

Becky was my little angel, my Beckers, Becka, Rebecca, Pug. She responded to all her nicknames, she was mommy's little girl. She was a food loving cuddle buddy, that just wanted to be loved and give love. She wanted to be picked up all the time and she followed me everywhere. If she was sleeping on the couch with me and I got up to go to the bathroom upstairs, she would wake up just to follow me up there. Only to come right back down a minute or two later... ok, I carried her back to the couch with me. She was always by my side. She loved love. She was like any pug, a stage five clinger that lived and breathed for food and snuggles. An angel.

Unfortunately, when I moved to California in 2009, I was unable to take my animals with me. I had to leave them all behind to stay at my moms house. I would webcam with them and my sister and it would break my heart to see Becky look around, looking for me. Not understanding why she could hear my voice but I wasn't there.


Each time I flew home (which was/is never enough) I couldn't wait to wrap my arms around her and give her little pug head a million little kisses.

this was one of the last times I went home and got to spend time with her

The last time I went home in October 2012, was the last time I saw her. I was just home that August and she was having trouble with her hips - a common pug problem, especially with old age. She was having a hard time walking, and she was just scooting herself around. I was home for a very short trip, just for a funeral, so I tried to spend as much time with her as I could but it was really very little. I knew I would be home in just 5 weeks and would see her again. During those 5 weeks I debated putting her to sleep, I knew her time to go was coming close. I cried and cried at the thought of it. I dreaded that October trip home because I was pretty sure it was time to bring her in to the vet and say goodbye. But when I got there, her legs were great! She was running around, happy to see me, she seemed fine. I thought, how can I put her down now, if she's fine? I really didn't know what to do, I was getting different advice from different people, and I really didn't know what to do. The time of the trip went by so fast, soon it was time to head to the airport. It all just went by way too fast. On my last day there, I held her and kissed her and cried because I didn't know when or if I would ever see her again. I held her so tight, and couldn't stop kissing her soft little pug ears.

I said my goodbye to my sweet little princess pug.

21 days later, I was at sitting at my desk at work and my cell phone rang. It was my mom. She was crying so hard, I could barely understand what she was saying. But I understood enough. Becky was gone. My mom came home from work that day on November 8th, 2012 and Becky was asleep, forever. She died alone. She died without her mommy. She died. My heart felt like it left my body. I couldn't console myself, I was a wreck. Although I had lost my other pets like our dog Bailey and my cats Drew and Tiger, (all while I was living here in CA. I didn't get to say goodbye to any of them) this was a little different. This was different because I could have prevented this just 21 days earlier. I should have put her to sleep and let her go peacefully in my arms over the Rainbow Bridge. But I didn't and now every day I look at her picture and wish I could go back in time. I would change so much.

She's in my room now. In a box.
She's in a box...

this came with her ashes.

I miss her so badly, there aren't enough words in the dictionary to describe how much I miss her and how bad it hurts that I will never see her again. Sometimes when I think about her, I still cry just as hard as I did when I got that phone call. All I want is to hold her just one more time. And I can't. She's gone. And I truly don't think that I will ever forgive myself for ever leaving her.

She brought so much joy to my life, she made my heart smile every time I looked at her face. I will love her forever.

*I wish I had more pictures, better pictures. But so much of my stuff is still back in MA


  1. Oh my goodness what a sweet, adorable little princess. I love this post! So sorry for your loss. :(

  2. Aw this made me cry. She's beautiful. I hate losing pets, it's not fair. But she knows you loved her.

  3. What a sweet and loving story. I can tell how truly loved she was, which is what matters most. It is never easy when we lose our best friends. Hugs!

  4. Dogs take up such a special and loving place in our hearts that will never be replaced. I love this story because it shows just how big your heart is and how much love you give to your animals. Becky was a lucky lady to have such a great mama.

  5. i knew i had to read this even though it would be so sad. ugh and now i'm crying at my desk at work :( becky sounds like the biggest sweetheart ever and i just love how much you loved her. my pugs are stage 5 clingers too and i cry even thinking about losing them someday so i can only imagine what you went through. seriously, the worst part about having pets is that they're with us for a short period of time. but i'm so happy that becky got to spend a wonderful life with you! oh and i couldn't even read the rainbow bridge poem because i'm a crying hot mess already. hang in there kelly!!

  6. I am straight up sobbing right now! It's my first time to your blog and you've already brought out ALL the emotions! :) Reading stories about pets who are gone always really gets to me. I'm sitting here now with my own puppy and I can only imagine the pain their absence causes. I'm so sorry for Becky's death. I'm sure her passing was peaceful, even if she was alone. Take care. <3

  7. I'm so sorry. :( It broke my heart to read this. Animals really do become a part of our families. They're so pure and innocent. I still miss dogs from my past, too. I swear to you sometimes I hear our old dog Bailey's tail thunking on my Mom's front porch. We keep them alive in our HEARTS.

  8. ahh this is too presh, do you think you will get another pug out in cali?

  9. Aww, I am so sorry! Hugs!

  10. This post had my eyes watering, I'm so happy you were able to have this wonderful puppy in your life even though it never seems long enough!

  11. Whew this had me crying the big ugly tears in the break room at work. Losing a pet is one of the hardest things. Currently my two babies (my chihuahua Piper and cat Stevie) are living with my parents bc of similar circumstances and I miss them so much. I talk to my dog on the phone all the time and I know she knows it's me! They're so smart and really do become part of your family.

  12. This post has me seriously watering up. I remember how painful it was when my childhood dog died and I was already moved out of my parents house. Now I am a dog mommy and I can't even comprehend what it will be like to lose him.

  13. hey my friend - my heart goes out to you <3 I know you gave her so much love & she knew how much you cared about her!!
    Dogs are truly man's best friend, and pugs take it to another level.
    Lots of hugs your way!

  14. oh gosh, this is just horrible. i'm so so so sorry!

  15. I couldn't even read through your whole post because I knew I'd start crying! I know how hard it is to lose a furbaby. I still spontaneously start crying when I think about my dog Chopper who died about six years ago... even though I have two other dogs to love now! When you get a pet, you are guaranteeing yourself heartbreak. It is worth it for all the awesome years they give us... but when it is over, it is unbearable. :(