A year ago on November 8th, I got the phone call that I always dreaded. It was the most painful moment of my life. My pug Becky had passed away. I can't even write that sentence without my eyes flooding.
I graduated high school in June 2000. I was in the shower one afternoon and my mom came banging on the door "you need to get out, hurry up!" Was my house on fire? What the hell was happening? I jumped out, wrapped my towel around me and opened the door in panic. She was standing in front of her bedroom door (that was closed, which was rare) and she handed me a card. "Hurry, open it fast!" I ripped it open, still having no idea what was going on and I saw a pug in a mailbox on the front of the card. Inside was a message from my mom telling me she hopes I enjoy my new bundle of joy and congrats on graduating high school! Oh.My.Gah. We opened the bedroom door and oh my fucking goodness my eyes were blessed with the most adorable little thing I had ever seen. A tiny little brand new baby PUG laying inside a gift bag on the bed. I will never forget that image. My heart melted, she was precious. She was perfect.
A year and a half earlier we got our first puppy, a Boston Terrier named Bailey. The sweetest pup ever. He was an absolute angel. He passed away in early 2011, and I'll share his story in a post someday.
He loved his new little sister so much! They were besties.
Becky was my little angel, my Beckers, Becka, Rebecca, Pug. She responded to all her nicknames, she was mommy's little girl. She was a food loving cuddle buddy, that just wanted to be loved and give love. She wanted to be picked up all the time and she followed me everywhere. If she was sleeping on the couch with me and I got up to go to the bathroom upstairs, she would wake up just to follow me up there. Only to come right back down a minute or two later... ok, I carried her back to the couch with me. She was always by my side. She loved love. She was like any pug, a stage five clinger that lived and breathed for food and snuggles. An angel.
Unfortunately, when I moved to California in 2009, I was unable to take my animals with me. I had to leave them all behind to stay at my moms house. I would webcam with them and my sister and it would break my heart to see Becky look around, looking for me. Not understanding why she could hear my voice but I wasn't there.
Each time I flew home (which was/is never enough) I couldn't wait to wrap my arms around her and give her little pug head a million little kisses.
this was one of the last times I went home and got to spend time with her
I said my goodbye to my sweet little princess pug.
21 days later, I was at sitting at my desk at work and my cell phone rang. It was my mom. She was crying so hard, I could barely understand what she was saying. But I understood enough. Becky was gone. My mom came home from work that day on November 8th, 2012 and Becky was asleep, forever. She died alone. She died without her mommy. She died. My heart felt like it left my body. I couldn't console myself, I was a wreck. Although I had lost my other pets like our dog Bailey and my cats Drew and Tiger, (all while I was living here in CA. I didn't get to say goodbye to any of them) this was a little different. This was different because I could have prevented this just 21 days earlier. I should have put her to sleep and let her go peacefully in my arms over the Rainbow Bridge. But I didn't and now every day I look at her picture and wish I could go back in time. I would change so much.
She's in my room now. In a box.
She's in a box...
this came with her ashes.
I miss her so badly, there aren't enough words in the dictionary to describe how much I miss her and how bad it hurts that I will never see her again. Sometimes when I think about her, I still cry just as hard as I did when I got that phone call. All I want is to hold her just one more time. And I can't. She's gone. And I truly don't think that I will ever forgive myself for ever leaving her.
She brought so much joy to my life, she made my heart smile every time I looked at her face. I will love her forever.
*I wish I had more pictures, better pictures. But so much of my stuff is still back in MA