Teddy Ruxpin Abuse

I told you about the evil things I did in elementary school. So I figured I'd share some things I did when I was even younger. I wish I could remember all of them, but these are the golden ones that stuck. I'd be lying if I said I've never been an asshole. I was clearly born this way, and I enjoy it very much. 

Age - around 3 years
Incident - Klepto: 
I stole change from moms friends purse. I obviously needed money for cake or something. I threw the coins in my mouth to "hide them", went upstairs and jumped on the bed from excitement because I was RICH! Except jumping on the bed only made me swallow all the coins. Oops! Now the adults had to know that I was a thief. And.... I also had to "sit on the toilet until it comes out!" 
Age - probably 3 or 4
Incident - Prankster: 
One night when my mom was sleeping, my brother and I took a bottle of baby powder and dumped it all over her. While she slept! But she woke up and she was MAD. I honestly don't even remember what happened after (probably blocked it out!) but it was so funny! And we all still laugh about it.  I feel like there might be pictures of this too. But they'd be back in MA at my moms house. Damn.
Age - 5 years, I think 
Incident - Hiding:  
I really have no idea why I did this. Looking back it was pretty evil (and funny). I remember it being a sunny day. But I was probably bored anyways. So, I hid in the closet. For a really.long.time. I was in there for so long, everyone thought that I was kidnapped. The windows were open and I could hear my mom outside crying to our neighbors and talking about calling the cops. The drama made me curious so I peaked out the window to see what was going on and they saw me. I was spotted! All I remember is hearing "there she is!!!" And anything after that is a distant memory. That's another one we still laugh about though. 

Age - 4 years
Incident - Cooking: 
I like popcorn. Like, I love popcorn. So my brother and I decided to make some on the stove... by ourselves. I very clearly remember putting my hand too far down on the handle and burning my finger on the pot. I also burned myself the other day when I was making this... Some things never change. 
I also remember a hilarious moment when my mom was making something at the stove and I was standing on a chair next to her. She had a cookbook open and there was a picture of a cherry pie. I have no idea why I said this but I blurted out "that looks like shit!" I got yelled at. 
Age - somewhere between 2 and 5 years
Incident - Anger: 
Who remembers Teddy Ruxpin? Yea, well I threw him down the stairs and his bottom lip broke. After that I had to listen to him talk with half a mouth. Not fun.
Do you remember that doll that crawled around and would fall and cry? The "Oopsie Baby Doll".  I threw her down the stairs too.
I also had this doll that had a pacifier in her mouth, but if you took it out she would cry the most annoying cry ever! So, I used to take the pacifier out and throw the doll into my moms room when I got mad at her, so she had to deal with it. 
Age - 6
Incident - Hair Stylist:
I attended a sleep over party, and creeped away with my friends sister to have some fun with scissors. This was dangerous, not because I was using a sharp object at such a young age, but because my hair was gorgeous and down to my butt! So long and pretty. And I cut it. I truly don't remember how much, not a lot. But enough for my mom to get so angry that she pretty much left Earth, transformed into an evil alien creature, came back and left me with a very memorable night. Also known as, I got in a shit load of trouble. I can even remember some of the phone calls she made about it. I probably remember this because....we used to record her on our little tape recorder every time she would yell at us. Sorry not sorry and I wish I still had those tapes.

I was a hellion. My brother and I were a wild tag team. My mom worked a lot and had some issues so we didn't really have anyone raising us, we pretty much just did whatever we wanted. And sometimes it was a blast. 


  1. hahah what a little shit!! Poor Teddy!

  2. Oh my gosh, this is hilarious! I wish I could remember stuff like this that I did when I was little. haha

  3. Oh my goodness!! What a little terror you were growing up! My brother and I were the same way though! The fights we used to get into were Epic!! They make for the best stories though!!

  4. Oh my. I cannot stop laughing at the baby powder incident! I still have the urge to "antique" someone in that way!

  5. hahaha omygosh i'm chuckling at my desk. i had the teddy ruxpin and would make out with him all the time! ask me how i knew how to kiss like that at age 3?? i have no idea. you were too funny and i love the pics :)

  6. You are literally the cutest little girl I have ever seen. It doesn't even matter that you were a demon.

  7. haha oh my goodness, love it. and this is why i'm a little terrified to have children ha - I think of all the torture I put my parents through too!
    -- jackie @ jade and oak

  8. Oh. My. GOODNESS!!!! That FACE!!!!!!! I want to squeeze it so badddddddd! But I'm afraid you'd bite me or something. :P I laughed my ass off reading this!

  9. Hahaha! I love these stories, you were hilarious! And adorable.

  10. OH MY GOSH! I am losing it right now! I didn't think I could laugh more after the coins incident "IM RICH!" but then I you yelled "That looks like shit!" and I lost it even more! I honestly can't decide which is the best… your mom "leaving the earth" or the baby powder incident… I mean, seriously. You are my FAVORITE person right now.

  11. haha I was a major pyro- which I come by honestly from my mom. But I grew up with a wood stove, and was always a little to fascinated with fire (promise I'm not as weird as this makes me sound...)- which resulted in a few too many burns!

  12. NOOOOOOOOOO not Teddy! Lol my dog ripped of his mouth so I got another one.
    And the baby powder? I may have peed myself a little LOL!

  13. love that you swallowed your winnings. nice move.

  14. HAHAHA! Sounds like you were a pretty awesome kid.

  15. maybe they should have built his mouth to be a little more secure haha

  16. as terrifying as fire is... it really is pretty cool!

  17. hahahaha thank you :)
    i will never forget that picture of cherry pie. i have no idea why i thought it looked like shit.

  18. haha if you do, youtube it! i wish we had youtube and smart phones back then

  19. BEST stories. i love remembering everything

  20. i bet your family members would, and they could fill you in :)

  21. Wow dude. You were an evil little kid!