That Doctor's Appointment

Basically, I've never had an experience like this, ever! It's been no secret around here lately that I have majorly been being suffocated and paralyzed by severe anxiety. I was so looking forward to this appointment! Was I nervous to start with a new doctor? Yup. But I needed it and I was excited. I got there early at about 1:50 and my appointment was for 2:15 but as the minutes passed and passed and passed I began to get restless and confused. I'm a new patient, why haven't they even given me my paperwork? A few minutes later they finally do, and I fill it out quickly, give it back to them and return to my seat. And wait. Time was just passing along, I had now been there for over an hour. One woman said she waited 3 hours there before. Oh hellllll no! I checked with the receptionist and asked "how long is the wait for Dr. Lee?" She looked at me like my eyeballs were hanging out and said "Umm Dr Lee isn't here today...are you sure that's who you're here for?" My immediate thought was omg these shitbags just let me sit here for an hour and never bothered to tell me he wasn't here! Not even when I signed in and wrote LEE on the sheet. Oh man...

I made it very clear that is who my appointment was with because I specifically researched him and got him from my insurance company. So, YES I AM HERE TO SEE DR. LEE! "Well, he's not here so do you want to come back when he is?" NO! I'm here now and I will see anyone, I just need to see a doctor!

I was mad. And rude. And stormed back to my seat and as the rage and anxiety started to overwhelm me, I couldn't help but think THEY ARE DOING TO ME THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHY I CAME HERE! A few moments later, I heard my name be called. And waited another long ass stretch of time in the exam room until the doctor came in. And I swear he was not a real doctor. If I could reenact how he examined me, it would be a comedy sketch. I've never seen anything like this. I told him what I needed and he gave me prescriptions and referrals for what I needed and I was on my way. At this point it was about 4:15, now remember, I got there at 1:50 so you can imagine the frustration boiling inside of me.

I go home, changed into some baggy sweats and got ready to take on the pharmacy line at CVS. The tech said it would be about an hour, maybe sooner. I go next door and do a little food shopping, head back over cuz the hour is approaching and it's not ready yet, 20 more minutes are needed. I sit down and wait, and wait, and wait. 30 mins pass and the pharmacist calls me over to question my scripts. "We can't verify your prescription because I just called this number and they said you were not even there today"

I tried to stay calm by simply stating "are you fucking kidding me?! I just spent hours there!" She looked afraid of me and told me to go sit back down and she would take care of it. I waited and waited and waited. Finally, after the stress of this whole ordeal had become too much and my eyes started to fill with heavy tears, my name was called. My medicine was ready. This was finally all over.

I don't know if you are familiar with how incredibly amazing the doctors, hospitals, and all things medical related are in the Boston area, where I'm from. But you get the best treatment there. People come from all over the world to go to those hospitals. I have never in my life experienced the joke that I did today. And lucky me, I get to go back next month for a follow up on the meds and some back x-rays I'll be getting soon. Can't wait for that headache.

Oh and the icing on the cake of today... I have been anticipating the Tone It Up Retreat soooo badly! It's so close to where I live and I was certain it would be fairly affordable. Wrong. The details were released and it's almost $2,000, due up front. That absolutely crushed me. I had been looking forward to it not only because of all the amazing things about it, but I felt it would have been incredibly beneficial to my mental health. I complained to the boyfriend about it and then let it go. I can't go so get over it. So hours later as we sat waiting for my medications, I was scrolling through Instagram and saw this...

I showed it to the boyfriend and was like "well, guess I really can't go now, it's already sold out, so fast!" And he got really really sad. And told me he was gonna surprise me with purchasing it for me because he knew how badly I wanted it and how healthy it would be for me. I got tears. I love him.

I am beyond exhausted from all of this. My soul is drained. Time to pop a miracle pill.


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Life Lately: part 1

March has basically grabbed me by my ankles, whipped my body from side to side, swallowed me, spit me out, swallowed me again and is currently pooping me out. That pretty much sums up how I've felt all month. Last time I came here to my trusty little space, I expressed to you how much I have been suffering with anxiety lately and I was a week away from a doctors appointment that would hopefully help it all calm down. That appointment is tomorrow and I have never been more excited to go to the doctors in my life! I need this. It will also be helpful since I'm currently on day 3 of a massive allergy attack mixed with a small cold. Thanks, March. Does anyone get the allergy shot? I really want it!

Recently, Kelli started a picture project link up and I was amped up to join in since my Nikon has been collecting dust for months. The first week was water. And of all the water things in this world, I only managed to get a shot of this one twirly water fountain thingy over in Beverly Hills. And of course, I didn't have my camera with me so I used my happy little iPhone. Which really defeats the purpose of why I joined the link up, because that damn camera cost so damn much, I need to use the damn thing. But I know that if I miss the first week, I will miss the next one and the next get it.

And I totally titled this post as part 1 because THAT is how far behind I am on this lifestyle blog that I have not at all been consistently updating anything about my life on. I miss it and I need to come back. I'm so far behind that I can remember I didn't even post about Valentine's Day. Let's be honest, I will not being going 6 friggin weeks back. I will go back to around St. Patrick's Day and call it a wash. Boom! If you follow along on Instagram you've seen I did lots of "touristy" stuff while the boyfriend's cousin was in town. I went through my phone the other day and noticed I have a gazillion pictures of all the things we did and I totally forgot about them! So I suppose this "Life Lately" will be a 3 part deal. Here's hoping I can stick with it so I can get back in the groove of things around this blogland. 

For now, I'm gonna go finish a 4th box of tissues and push through the last 90 minutes of this work day. Deuces!

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My Enemy

I know that I'm not the only one that suffers from severe anxiety. But I have felt nothing but alone in it for the last few weeks. I haven't been this tormented by it in a really long time. I've become impossible to deal with, I've become a lump of absolute misery. I cry, I tremble, I lash out, I get clammy, I get dizzy, I get short of breath and my heart races and my stomach knots up and my skin tingles.... and this is my all day every day life as of lately. It's causing me to lose focus at work and even be thrown off my fitness and clean eating routines, which in turn causes me even more anxiety. Because for someone who still battles everyday with addiction, my routine is a really high priority. It's basically number one. Or two if you count DeNiro snuggles. I could list so many things that bring on my anxiety, but it doesn't matter what I recognize if I don't do anything about it. A few months back I posted about starting therapy again. I never followed up on that post because I never made it past 2 sessions with her. Why? Because the anxiety of just going to the appointment was incredibly overwhelming and honestly, she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. They never do. But that's not where this post is going.

I haven't had a primary doctor in a long time, and I haven't bothered to find one because guess what? The idea of searching and calling and going to a new doctor gave me anxiety so I always pushed it off. Lately everything around me has felt like it's caving in and my days are becoming insufferable, so I finally made the call. And the only reason I could was because I told myself if I didn't, I was going to have a breakdown. I do have to get through one whole week leading up to this appointment, and that terrified me. So I made another brave move. I reached out. I hate bothering people with my problems because I worry that I'm inconveniencing them. I reached out to someone close to me that I know has a lot of similar battles that I do and I know that she has been working really hard on them. I broke down into tears at my desk as I texted her. I was desperately hoping that she wasn't busy and could answer right away. She did. And it made all the difference in the world. By the time our very lengthy text swaps were through, I felt refreshed. She gave me some of the best advice I ever heard. Something a therapist had never given me. Advice that may seem so simple to some, but that I would never have been able to see on my own through all my smog. She got me through today and I will use her help to push me through the week to my doctor appointment, and beyond. And I will also share some of it with you.

  • Yoga and meditation
  • A self help book such as, "Success Through Stillness"
  • Stay on your routine, no matter who is doing it with you
  • Go for a long walk, and think about your breathing
  • Cater to yourself [massage, facial, nails, etc]
  • Burn herbs and incense such as sage to drive away negative energy
  • Go with your gut, not with your head. Your head will worry!
  • Set reminders on your phone for every 30 minutes (or what is best for you) that say uplifting and positive things. You will forget that you've set it and it will be a nice surprise when it pops up, making you smile and reminding you that things are not really that bad.
  • Vitamins, like 5-HTP which promotes a positive mood.
  • Keep a journal and scribble out all your worries, get them out of your system
  • Stay focused on the present

A lot of my anger comes from my anxiety and a lot of my anxiety stems from my anger. I noticed that a lot of the same remedies can be used to help relieve both pains. Fighting against my enemy is gonna be a long battle and I'm gonna hit a lot of walls. But I'm honestly sick of it, I'm so over letting it control me. I have to do something about it, because no one else will. If you fall under the anxious cloud like me, what are some things you do to make it through? Is there anything that you would add to this list? 

I'll close this post with a deep slow breath, and hope for a peaceful night of sleep.

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Establishing Your Home Bar

Ahhh, feels good to be typing in this white space again. I've missed it here, taking a blogging break is a nice relief but damn you miss everyone. I wish I had ten million gazillion things to share with you, but I really just want to share the start of our bar. I have a long wish list in my Amazon of what I really want for this bar, but this is what we have set up for now. I think my favorite part is the "I drink wine because I don't like to keep things bottled up" sign. Snagged it so hard from Home Goods the other night!

Next up will be a wine rack to hold the bottles and some wine glasses. Above the rack is where that sign will go. After that will be a mirror tray and a whiskey set. Then the final major thing will be an actual "bar cart" instead of this old ikea shelf. And then of course, more booze. The boyfriend loves Woodford Reserve, so we'll be adding that for sure, and I'm not sure what else since I don't particularly have a favorite alcohol.

Here are some links to help you start your bar:

1) copper tray - Target $9.99
2) blue tint glasses - Target $9.99 (similar here) can't find them on the Target website anywhere, but they're a set of 4, Telford Tumbler Set 12oz glasses.
3) "I drink wine because..." sign - Home Goods $24.99 (no link, in store only)
4) wine rack - Amazon $35
5) mirror tray - Amazon $23
6) whiskey set - Amazon $32

And on a side note, if you take a look, you might see things have slightly changed around here. Same color scheme, but a much cleaner look. I felt like my blog was yelling at me every time I opened it, it was so ... big and loud!

On a more important side note, THANK YOU all for your super sweet comments you've been leaving on the last few posts. I've read and smiled at every single one, I just need a little more time climbing back into this thing to catch up on replying. But I wanted to let you know that when I'm sad, your comments help lift my spirits and when I'm excited about something, your joy for me makes my heart smile. I love blogland and I love you.

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Well kinda. We have a guest coming to stay with us so I'll be gallivanting around LA doing touristy things for a few days. Or just having a guest in my house and not wanting to be rude sitting on the computer all night. But I wanted to drop by the old blog and say hello! And to let you know that I miss you all!

I don't want to bore you with a giant MOVING post because quite honestly, it was a fucking nightmare at some points (aka, dealing with the leasing office and moving into a dirty apartment that we had to clean on our own)... and I don't want to relive it. DeNiro had a little bit of a breakdown. He took the move a lot harder than we had expected and it broke my heart into so many little pieces of sad. He wouldn't eat or sleep when we first moved in. We were moments from taking him to the vet and he finally ate and took a nap after almost 2 days. He knew.... But yea, thankfully he is a goddamn beast because he got over it all fairly quickly and now he is more wild than ever! Probably because he has SO MUCH ROOM FOR ACTIVITIES!  Although he broke a mirror this morning and that was not fun. Especially since it was at 5:13am and my alarm was set for 5:15am. He clearly does not understand how important those 2 minutes are.

I probably could bore you with a post on how amazing it is to finally have a dishwasher! Ask me how many times I've used it so far... I'll just tell you... so many times!! I know it's smart to wait until it's "full" but I get so excited I just run it with a few things in there. Sorry not sorry, we don't pay for water. Suck it, leasing office.

If you follow me on Instagram, you have seen all that we've been up to, which isn't much I guess. DeNiro loves that we have a balcony now, I love the dishwaser, we're finally gonna have a bar area, I finally made it back to the gym after not going for a week, and we went to the beach this weekend because it was pushing 90 degrees even though last weekend was thunderstorms, hail and floods.

So here's where things get really good. Remember my last post? Where I was very sad that I couldn't go home to see my sister for her birthday next month? Well, she is coming here!!!!!!!!!!!! I woke up to texts from my mom on Saturday morning asking if they could come out here for a week. Umm, YES PLEASE! I wish there were enough words to express to you how much it means to me that I'm gonna be with her on her 13th birthday. I miss her so much, I am so excited! I'm already planning so many things in my head, it's gonna be so much fun!

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