My Enemy


I know that I'm not the only one that suffers from severe anxiety. But I have felt nothing but alone in it for the last few weeks. I haven't been this tormented by it in a really long time. I've become impossible to deal with, I've become a lump of absolute misery. I cry, I tremble, I lash out, I get clammy, I get dizzy, I get short of breath and my heart races and my stomach knots up and my skin tingles.... and this is my all day every day life as of lately. It's causing me to lose focus at work and even be thrown off my fitness and clean eating routines, which in turn causes me even more anxiety. Because for someone who still battles everyday with addiction, my routine is a really high priority. It's basically number one. Or two if you count DeNiro snuggles. I could list so many things that bring on my anxiety, but it doesn't matter what I recognize if I don't do anything about it. A few months back I posted about starting therapy again. I never followed up on that post because I never made it past 2 sessions with her. Why? Because the anxiety of just going to the appointment was incredibly overwhelming and honestly, she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. They never do. But that's not where this post is going.

I haven't had a primary doctor in a long time, and I haven't bothered to find one because guess what? The idea of searching and calling and going to a new doctor gave me anxiety so I always pushed it off. Lately everything around me has felt like it's caving in and my days are becoming insufferable, so I finally made the call. And the only reason I could was because I told myself if I didn't, I was going to have a breakdown. I do have to get through one whole week leading up to this appointment, and that terrified me. So I made another brave move. I reached out. I hate bothering people with my problems because I worry that I'm inconveniencing them. I reached out to someone close to me that I know has a lot of similar battles that I do and I know that she has been working really hard on them. I broke down into tears at my desk as I texted her. I was desperately hoping that she wasn't busy and could answer right away. She did. And it made all the difference in the world. By the time our very lengthy text swaps were through, I felt refreshed. She gave me some of the best advice I ever heard. Something a therapist had never given me. Advice that may seem so simple to some, but that I would never have been able to see on my own through all my smog. She got me through today and I will use her help to push me through the week to my doctor appointment, and beyond. And I will also share some of it with you.



  • Yoga and meditation
  • A self help book such as, "Success Through Stillness"
  • Stay on your routine, no matter who is doing it with you
  • Go for a long walk, and think about your breathing
  • Cater to yourself [massage, facial, nails, etc]
  • Burn herbs and incense such as sage to drive away negative energy
  • Go with your gut, not with your head. Your head will worry!
  • Set reminders on your phone for every 30 minutes (or what is best for you) that say uplifting and positive things. You will forget that you've set it and it will be a nice surprise when it pops up, making you smile and reminding you that things are not really that bad.
  • Vitamins, like 5-HTP which promotes a positive mood.
  • Keep a journal and scribble out all your worries, get them out of your system
  • Stay focused on the present

A lot of my anger comes from my anxiety and a lot of my anxiety stems from my anger. I noticed that a lot of the same remedies can be used to help relieve both pains. Fighting against my enemy is gonna be a long battle and I'm gonna hit a lot of walls. But I'm honestly sick of it, I'm so over letting it control me. I have to do something about it, because no one else will. If you fall under the anxious cloud like me, what are some things you do to make it through? Is there anything that you would add to this list? 


I'll close this post with a deep slow breath, and hope for a peaceful night of sleep.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

37 comments :

  1. I am so sorry you are going through this but glad you had someone to lean on when you needed it. Hoping the doctor visit helps. Stay strong!

    ReplyDelete
  2. It takes incredible strength to realize our weaknesses and to take proactive steps to prevent them from overtaking us. Journaling is a huge part to my anxiety management plan, as well as exercise. I've also found that I am generally less anxious if I take a few minutes when I wake up in the morning before I get out of bed to just be thankful for the positives in my life. I can get SO negative that I forget the good things and the negative things pile up making me feel buried. For me, starting with that positive kick helps offset the negative. It doesn't always work, as you know, nothing always does. Good luck, stay strong, and never forget to ask for help. People who love you are always there to support and help you. They're your greatest resource. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  3. hope things start looking up for you soon, lady!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've definitely been struggling with anxiety and depression lately, and the hardest part has been not being able to talk about it. I commend you for being so open. As for things that "help"...1) if I find myself actually really enjoying something for a moment, I make efforts to really savor that moment. Even if that's driving around the block once more to finish a great song. 2) Ask for what you need. It's so, so hard but even just texting a friend and setting up a phone date helps.

    Hope the clouds lift for both of us.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I totally understand - I've been dealing with some anxiety and stress and worries lately too. it's absolutely no fun and i'm trying to stay positive and keep things in perspective and not fight with everyone constantly. I'm absolutely here if you ever need to just vent! Sometimes just talking about things helps a lot. And hope your doctor visit will bring some help.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I just told someone to go with their heart not their head because your head has a tendency to over think things. Sometimes I also intentionally step outside of head or direct my thoughts somewhere else when something is making me anxious, I have a tendency to keep focusing on that things until it drives me nuts so I put my brain in "time out". Sometimes it works, sometimes not!


    HUGS!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm so incredibly PROUD of you for taking the steps that needed to be taken in order for you to start feeling better. Sometimes, it's easier to fall apart. I've been there before and I know that's true. I'm here for you!

    ReplyDelete
  8. And once you go, you will feel relieved that you finally did it! I struggle with severe anxiety as well.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dance With A DollyMarch 20, 2014 at 6:47 PM

    I have severe anxiety at times as well. I hate that it makes me lash out and be angry over the stupidest things. I contemplate seeing someone at times but I feel like they would just make me angry with their comments. Ugh..Just trying to breathe and get through on my own...Best wishes to you on your journey to wellness!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I go through the same rough severe anxiety patches so I know what you're going through. Working out consistently and hardcore has really helped me I must say. I also have a few select scents (one candle, one incense) that always calm me down. And they are always in my house!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I can relate to you. I frequently have peaks and valleys where I have anxiety and depression. I am glad you have someone you can talk to who understands, sometimes it is hard to talk to people who do not suffer from anxiety. What a great list--I have recently taken up yoga and meditation and I hope to see some improvement. I hope things start looking up for you and that your doctor visit gives you some relief!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I love you. I struggle with anxiety, too and I know exactly how you feel. It's so overwhelming and hard to battle sometimes but I'm so proud of you for realizing you need help and reaching out for some. That, my friend, is the HARDEST PART and now the healing can begin. I'm here if you need me. <3

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hey girl!! I love you.. I struggle with anxiety and it has been so bad this week. I love how you have shared it on your blog. I have trouble talking about it.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Girl you are not alone. I actually thought about you the other day when I went to my first therapy appointment. I had a legit panic attack on the way there but now it's turning out okay. You know I'm here if you need something!

    ReplyDelete
  15. You are so not alone. My anxiety is now under control, but last fall, my anxiety was so bad, even the stuff that was supposed to calm me and help with my anxiety was a source of anxiety. I started back with therapy, and I started back on Celexa, and the occasional Xanax. I work out like 5-6 times a week, and that combination has really done incredible wonders for me. Good luck!


    http://cheriarmour.com

    ReplyDelete
  16. I suffer with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and it can make everyday life tough. The start of this year it got really bad for no apparent reason. I felt so empty and at the same overwhelmed with how fast my brain was thinking and how sensitive I was to everything. To help get up off the floor (so to speak) I did gentle but fun workouts (feeling I HAD to exercise or the guilt from missing it just made me pressured and made my anxiety worse), I spent a lot of time walking and trying to be around nature. I took extra care of myself by not pressuring myself about anything and made sure to only do the things I enjoy, like spending time with really positive people, and pampering myself a bit. I ate good food. I only watched funny and uplifting TV, and was just really careful about who I was around and what I did, consciously making the choice to tread gently for a month or two. I also needed some sort of meditation but I don't do very good at it, so I bought a colouring-in book and some pens and coloured! I know that sounds odd but it really helped. It meant my focus was completely removed from me and inside my head, and all I thought about was the colours I was using. I had some nice music in the background and just sort of chilled out. It helped calm my chaotic thoughts! I'm also reading 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway', which is all about thinking we can't cope. So far it seems helpful. I really do hope the doctor goes well and you feel better soon xx

    ReplyDelete
  17. thank you so much! taking time in the morning would really benefit me since i'm always RUSHING and having to rush sets my day off in the wrong direction already.

    ReplyDelete
  18. i really like your #1, that's something that i really need to start focusing on. appreciating the small things. i tend to get super stressed about "the big picture" instead of taking in the moment of when things are good.
    *throwing some sunshine your way* move over, cloud!

    ReplyDelete
  19. i already felt a sense of relief just by talking about it and even putting out here on the blog. holding it to myself was a lot more suffocating.

    i know you've been under the same cloud lately, and you can vent to me too <3
    and don't forget pug hugs help too! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  20. directing my thoughts elsewhere is something i really need to work on. i'm a "dweller" and have a hard time seeing past any little bad things even if big good things are right there.
    thank you so much <3

    ReplyDelete
  21. it is way easier to fall apart, but i promised myself a long time ago that i would never hit the bottom again.
    thank you sooo much <3 <3 and you should know that even in my dumpiest of dump times, your snapvids always make me smile!

    ReplyDelete
  22. true, i'm anticipating the END of that appointment so badly.
    <3

    ReplyDelete
  23. i can't tell you how many times i've tried a different therapist. they all tell me the same thing. things i already know. they all have different "methods" to make me "better" yet i found them all to be bullshit. my last therapist actually told me to buy the book she uses to treat her patients. umm ok, well if i buy the book you use, than why am i gonna continue coming here to pay you? bye! i now own that book and do not see a therapist.
    i used to be on a few medications and they can be really helpful to some people. that's what i'm gonna go talk to this new doctor about. have you talked to your doctor about that?

    ReplyDelete
  24. honestly, when i thought about some stuff this weekend, i realized it had been 2 weeks since i went to the gym. and my anxiety has gotten worse over 2 weeks. i went back to the gym this weekend and already felt a bit better. i now know for certain that i NEED exercise for my mental health. i've been itching to buy some candles lately but just unsure of what brands and scents. they're so expensive i don't want to end up buying shitty ones that i hate, so i haven't jumped on it yet.

    ReplyDelete
  25. i agree it's very hard to talk to someone that doesn't also suffer with it, they just don't understand. i'll be starting yoga this week and hope to benefit from it also!
    thank you so much! :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. I deal with pretty bad social anxiety. It really messes with my life and cuts me off from a lot. I hate it. Some days it can be okay, or I can push myself through it. Others? It feels so hard to get through.

    ReplyDelete
  27. i know you do :( it's crazy how some days it's manageable and then there's moments, like lately, that are absolutely overwhelming and insufferable.
    THANK YOU <3 love you lots!

    ReplyDelete
  28. it was hard to hit publish, but it honestly was so refreshing to just get it out of me, and to get it out to others that can relate. it's easy to feel alone, but so many of us deal with it so the support is incredibly helpful. just knowing you're not alone.
    <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
  29. i hope you stick to it longer than i did! i'm so proud of you for going. i'm here for you too!! <3 <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
  30. Celexa was the very first kind I ever took and I remember feeling very calm. I'm curious to see what this doctor is gonna prescribe to me. I'm back on a gym schedule and the last few days have already been an improvement :)
    thank you for sharing!! <3

    ReplyDelete
  31. i hate when it gets that overwhelming. it's like you know it's happening and you can't do anything about it, no matter what you tell yourself.
    i'm sorry you deal with it too :( *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  32. *Virtual hugs* I too struggle with GAD. It never gets any easier no matter how many medications you take or therapists you see. I'm always here if you need to vent! xo

    ReplyDelete
  33. I'm so behind on my reading girl, but HUGS. As someone who struggles with anxiety/depression/anger ect I can relate. I has a massive shut down this month because that is how I deal with it. By not dealing. Real healthy I know. Luckily I have supportive people who call me on my shit. Thinking about you! You'll get through it.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Sorry you've been having a tough time, but it sounds like you're doing everything you can to try and stay positive and do battle with it all. It can be tiring, I know, challenging emotions, so my only tip would be to not even try to fight how you feel, but acknowledge it and carry on with what you're trying to do despite feeling that way. You don't have to be completely free of anxiety to lead a 'normal' life, it can be background noise that you learn to live with the way people with tinnitus do. It doesn't have to stop you doing a single thing. Good luck with it all! P x

    ReplyDelete
  35. I am so so so so happy I found your blog yesterday and started looking through old posts of yours. I just like you battle anxiety on a daily basis and I felt like I was super alone up until a few months ago when I really started opening up about it to a few close friends. I giggled when I read that finding a doctor and going to see a doctor gave you anxiety...me too. It's nice to know you arent crazy, there are others like you in this world and that everything is going to be ok. Thank you :)

    ReplyDelete