Epiphany

Sometimes the life you worked so hard to build does not turn out to be the life you wanted. I used to think being in Los Angeles was it for me - the place I'm meant to be, the place that I'll grow old in and live life to the fullest in and enjoy and be happy. I guess I've felt that way about a lot of things, not just LA.  I put my everything into building what I have now - my job, my home, my little family (yes because DeNiro is my child), a life that currently cannot be picked up and moved somewhere else, a life that isn't really open for big changes at the moment. A life that's starting to feel like I'm settling. There's a whole world out there, and I've barely seen any of it.


Sometimes the life you worked so hard to build ends up putting you in situations that can feel a little suffocating. Sometimes you put so much effort into just trying to get where you want, you don't realize all the things you're leaving behind on the way or all the mistakes you're making that are gonna catch up to you, or all the money you wasted that you're really really gonna need when all of this realization starts hitting you.




I left home and moved to LA 5 years ago and I'm really just over it. Different places are different for everyone, and this one is just too chaotic for me. It's no secret around this blog that I've been unhappy for awhile, and things are starting to make sense as to why. I had such a blast in Vegas this weekend and some special moments that I guess made me have a little epiphany. Maybe getting out of LA and having a few heart-to-hearts will do that to you.

The moral of the story is you should always have a back up plan, even if you think you would never possibly ever need one... because life is a silly bitch and that silly bitch will let you the fuck down at any moment she feels and if you're not ready for it, you might get stuck.




40 comments :

  1. Wow. It's almost creepy that I read this thinking I wrote it, especially the first paragraph. I too wanted L.A. so bad, for yearssss it was the only thing I wrote about, the only thing I talked about, only for the experience not living up to the fantasy I created in my head. I swear to you, the words from this line were stolen from my brain somehow: "Sometimes you put so much effort into just trying to get where you want, you don't realize all the things you're leaving behind on the way or all the mistakes you're making that are gonna catch up to you, or all the money you wasted that you're really really gonna need when all of this realization starts hitting you."


    Maybe this is not the exact parallel of what I've already gone through, but more like a future self, emerging in my daydreams to warn me of what's ahead. Needless to say, I can most definitely relate.


    But I will say, that you're not stuck. You're never stuck. A dog will go wherever you go. A job will open up in another place too. You can build a life somewhere else, and this time, with much more maturity and a better plan. I can't speak for your love, but I'm sure he's, at the very least, open to understanding how you're feeling right now, considering he dropped everything to be with you before. Breathe and allow spirit (or Tupac, lol) to guide you. I hope things turn out well for you.


    Love,
    Chymere

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  2. Maybe it's time for a new adventure! Think of all of the amazing places you could move to (hey, maybe even Vegas!)... :)

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  3. Hey, you could always move here to Vegas!! There are good people in this town! :) And also, fun stuff to do, like ALL the time. :)

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  4. Your story seems so familiar. Life indeed is a crazy bitch. Maybe we could change places, I'll visit the united states and you can have my place in europe. It would be a nice break in the daily hassles, no?

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  5. TheJessaOlsonBlogJune 24, 2014 at 5:16 AM

    After high school I left Arkansas and never gone back. My aunt calls my husband and I gypsies because we move around so much. Mostly for his job but each town gives us perspective on life in general. i hope that you find whatever makes you happy.. You deserve it.

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  6. i feel like moving around (although i'm sure can get stressful and make you feel a loss of stability) is the best thing to do. right before i moved to LA, my doctor told me that moving around and living in different parts of the country/world is really healthy for you.... the mind and soul. it's just hard to get up and do if you aren't in the financial situation to do so.


    thank you <3

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  7. all i can think about now is that cameron diaz movie haha

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  8. it is time for one! but i'm part of a team and he's in less of a position than i am to make a move anytime soon. he's been working hard to start something out here, so we'd still be here for years to come. maybe i just need more vacations...

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  9. My life now is definitely not how I planned but I much happier having derailed and went a different way. Now I don't really have a plan per say, I hope live here happily forever but who knows if I'll feel that way next year?

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  10. ok so i had to just go stalk your blog and i found your old one and saw a couple posts that make this comment more understandable. those posts were just like my "boston to la" story. the thing about LA is that everyone thinks it's something that it's not. this place is really a very small percentage of what the movies and all that portray. this is still very much a CITY and a big one at that. a city the the whole world visits and moves to. i'm from the suburbs, so there's stuff i see everyday that still blows my mind... and i'm living in nice downtown Burbank! for me one of the things is that it's just hard to find the time and space to enjoy what this place has to offer... for example - just going to the beach is a fucking hassle. 20 minutes away and can take 2 hours just to get there, the thought of the hassle just makes us always be like eh whatever let's not go. same thing for anything over on the west side - which is where everything i like is. it's such a bitch to get over there, we just don't bother. i work and live in burbank and we basically spend our weekends in burbank, so yea it gets suffocating. getting out of here this past weekend and being in vegas was such a relief. i did not want to come back here.
    as far as being stuck, currently i really am. i'm just not in a position financially to make any kind of big move and the boyfriend has been working hard to start something out here so we're still gonna be here for a long time. clearly, i just need to get to vegas more often - like once a month hahaha. or get better with saving money and take some real vacations... anything to get me out of LA... until i can really get out of here.


    thank you for your comment and connection :)
    xo

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  11. Sometimes you have to live in it to know that so living in LA was just part of your process. I personally think LA would be kinda cray so I can understand where you might be coming from even though I've only been there to visit and never lived there. Try SD. A heck of a lot less chaotic and you get all the good weather to go along with it. Hope you find your next "happy" place soon. : )

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  12. san diego has def been a place we've discussed. i've always wanted Arizona, he always mentions Colorado (too cold for me!) but with his job and some things he's starting up, we'd still be here in LA for years - but since SD is so close, that would probably be the 1st option if it did ever come to moving out of here. if i can just get some vegas and SD weekend getaways every couple months, i think i'd start feeling less suffocated here ;)


    thank you :)

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  13. that's true, as happy as you are that you made the move to the beach, you just never know how you'll feel later. next year or in 5 years you might be over it. i doubt it though, the beach is where it's at ;)

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  14. I totally understand this feeling. I've been having it myself lately. I never thought I would make my life in the city I grew up in, but with a career and a child its hard to just pick up and go somewhere new. Here's hoping we figure this out :)

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  15. sometimes it's really hard to remember to have a back up plan. I know the way you are feeling!

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  16. I def know how it feels to not have a back up plan and it comes up to bite me in the ass often!! Have you thought about moving somewhere a little smaller and maybe not so hectic?

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  17. Feeling stuck is one of the worst feelings! But knowing you need a change is the first step to planning it. They say planning a vacation can do more for reducing your stress than the actual vacation does. Maybe that works for planning a move too? Putting things into place and knowing that one day you'll leave it behind might help you feel better. Until then, definitely take lots of vacations! :)

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  18. I know the feeling! I continued further in my education because I thought I needed more than just an AA Degree, but now I feel stuck as I wait to get my BA Degree and start traveling the world, teaching others, and coming immersed in cultures.
    Keep going! You can make it through this unhappiness you feel now! The future holds so much potential!

    http://thelifeofshannonarielle.blogspot.com/

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  19. ugh sorry you're having this issues and feeling over la. my friend lives there and it's a nice place to visit but i know it can be tough to live there. hopefully you will figure out what you need to do next and can figure out the best thing for you. good luck dear and i'm here if you need to chat!

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  20. kathy @ vodka and sodaJune 27, 2014 at 4:07 AM

    the way i see it, nothing is ever permanent unless you want it to be. it may be a bit difficult to move and basically turn your life upside down but it can be done. if LA isn't for you anymore, find someplace that is... or maybe just move outside of your busy city to a quieter suburb? there is NO WAY i can live downtown toronto - way too chaotic for me.

    -kathy
    Vodka and Soda

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  21. exactly, it's not so easy to just make that kind of change.
    any place that you have a burning desire to move to?

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  22. really hard, especially when you get caught up in all the good that's happening - you don't think you'll ever need one

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  23. i think about it all the time! OR to stay in los angeles but live at the beach. i mean, only if i win powerball of course.

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  24. i took your advice and we have a 3 night stay booked in vegas for september. although i'd like 2 vacations before that hahaha

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  25. the future holds so much... i love it!! thank you :)

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  26. smart! i tend to get too caught up in the flow of when things are going great

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  27. it's def a tough place to live, it's expensive and chaotic. more importantly, next time you visit we'll have to plan something!
    xo

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  28. i totally agree, when i was in TN i never felt so stuck in my life and i got out, nothing is permanent - and i thought for sure i was gonna die there. right now the boyfriend is trying to start something out here so i know we'll be here for quite a while longer. a few years. and i'm ok with that i guess, i just need more vacations!

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  29. So sorry you are feeling that way. I felt like that when I went away to college and I just knew I had to be closer to my family. I loved the freedom of making it on my own and doing it but it wasn't me. Hope you figure it all out, and maybe take more day trips out of the city to refresh and regroup.

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  30. Burning desire? No, but I've looked everywhere from Dallas to Seattle to the U.A.E. I just have some wanderlust these days.

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  31. Is it clear that I'm totally behind on my reading?


    Your words always resound in the big rooms of life. I found this truth when I ran off to Boston. I spent years obsessed with the idea of living in the New England I saw in movies. But what I really wanted was the LIVES I saw in those movies, manufactured fairytales with edits and cuts and scripts that played out so much more brightly than I felt mine ever could. I came home with a clarity that could only have been won through the realization that I had, that you've just had. No experience is wasted. Now follow your heart, girl. Get moving. Big world out there. DeNiro agrees.

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  32. oh man the UAE would be so beautiful!!!

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  33. you and me both! i'm behind on reading and posting.
    so very true, everything you think about a place - never really turns out to be that way. at least in most cases. and especially in major cities. (which btw, i'm gonna need some more details of this lil Boston living you had - like were you in the heart of the city, or just outside of it? - do you have posts about it?) i absolutely agree that no experience is wasted and without we would have no realization. DeNiro needs acres of land to run around in so he for sure would agree on getting out of hectic LA.

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  34. yea the plan for now is to take more short trips just to get out of here sometimes for the exact reason you said, to refresh. this place can be really suffocating, i grew up in the suburbs (newton and natick) so coming to a place like this where the entire world visits and moves to, it's pretty intense. and the thing with LA is that it's chaotic everywhere, it's not just a city, it's the whole county, this whole southern part of CA. so it's not like going from downtown boston to weston lol. it's a gazillion people everywhere at all times.

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  35. Some places are just not right for everyone! You will find your place, it's part of life's journey :)

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  36. Oh girl. So much to say... Mostly because I grew up here in southern CA and TOTALLY know what you're saying... I can't handle the madness in LA. Like no more than two days there and I'm going nuts... But can promise much different vibes in San Diego.


    I lived there for four years in college and my husband grew up there. It has that perfect balance of "city life" but also the warmth of small town life too. I miss it there now that we're settled in a smaller town that offers a lot of that small town-ness.


    If you ever need any recommendations for weekend trips or day trips let me know! :)

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  37. that's what i hear a lot, that San Diego is more laid back. I haven't been yet, but one of our friends from back home just moved out here (but SD) a few weeks ago so i know we'll be having some drives down there now!
    i hear that the food is better down there than in LA too. i hate hate hate food in LA so much haha, when we go, i'll be sure to ask you of some places to hit up. thank you!!

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