I'll Never Be Who I Want To Be

I had a shitty weekend. Like really bad. Let's be honest, this whole year so far has been a downfall and that's been made clear in many of my previous posts. A lot of times people use their blogs for fun posts, or fluffer posts, or just a hobby or sometimes, to be real with some shit. I've fallen in to the "real with some shit" quite a few times and that's what I'm here to do again today. But this time, I'm taking it way back and I'm going deep. I was going to do a Draw My Life, as I mentioned a couple months ago. But I have no idea how, so I'm gonna start with this. 



Something is wrong with me. Something inside of me is broken and damaged and tainted beyond repair. And it ruins my daily life and it destroys all of my relationships and friendships. I had a very dark and dysfunctional childhood. I didn't really have a dad - he would show up every once in a while and pretend to care, and then leave again for however long he wanted. My mom was ill, she had her own childhood traumas that she was dealing with and somewhere between my age of 4-7 I started to notice. She had breakdowns and eventually ended up in the hospital. This put my brother and I in a situation of "who is gonna take us?" We have a very large family, my mom had 9 brothers and sisters and her parents. And then there was my dad. But no one wanted us. So we became the state's property. We got separated and I went to a foster home. I missed my best friend, my brother. All we had was each other, the times when my mom would be having some sort of psycho episode, he held me, he took care of me, he was all I had. And they separated us.  While I was lucky enough to be in a decent foster home (rather than one of those horror stories you hear about), I was confused as to why I couldn't just be with my mommy. Why did I have to visit her around so many weird crazy people behind locked doors? Why did she say weird things that I didn't understand? What is wrong with mommy?  

I remember being with her at my dad's house one day. She fell into one of her episodes and he left. He just left. And left me there with her. I was 6. I still hate him for that. I still remember standing at the window and watching him drive away while she sobbed on the floor next to me. What was I supposed to do? I was 6. I hugged her and told her it would be ok, but I didn't know if that was even true because I didn't even know what was wrong.  Another time when my dad was at our house, my mom locked herself in the bathroom to harm herself and my dad was on the couch just reading the newspaper and letting her do what she wanted. I remember pulling his arm, trying to get him to get up, and I was crying and begging him to go get her and help her. He didn't want to be bothered. I went upstairs and was banging on the door, screaming and crying and he finally came and got her to open the door. I was probably 6 or 7 at this point too.  

I could type out story after story of shit that went down. But this chaos, this lack of love, affection, attention, development, all of what a child needs, is why I grew up to be a horrible person. I was shitty to my friends throughout elementary and middle school and well into adult life, I was jealous of the families my friends had. I made all the wrong choices, I chose all the wrong guys to date, I hurt people I cared about and then didn't really care that I hurt them. I cut people out of my life without a blink. I became incredibly self destructive, some ways the same as my mother, and other ways I turned to substance abuse. There were periods of my life where I wanted to die, I would do so many drugs that I hoped it killed me, I didn't feel purpose here. I was never taught right from wrong, I learned the hard way, I was never taught to love so I always do that wrong too. I never was given the chance to develop my emotions properly as a child so I'm a raging lunatic that lets my emotions destroy everything good that comes along. I have severe anger issues because as a child I was so angry that I was alone, that I had to take care of my mom, that I had to see the things I had to see, that no one wanted me so I had to be taken to a new family, that often times I was forgotten and left behind and a teacher had to stay with me until someone remembered to pick me up. I was forgotten! I'm stuck with these extreme abandonment issues because of all these people and I'm angry. I'm angry because I wasn't given what a child deserves. And I have carried that with me throughout all the important moments of my life. I'm 32 years old now and it still sits in me and it still ruins my life and relationships. It's never going to go away, so I will never be the happy and peaceful and loving person that I want to be. I can't be who I want to be, and that's not fair.  I'm damaged and destructive and I destroy everything I come across. I've gone to therapists since I was in the womb, I've been on almost every medication you can think of.... I'm not changing. I've tried, it doesn't happen. I am who I am, and it's very fucking unfortunate. 


One of the first posts here that I ever made was reasons of why I'll probably never be a mom. But to be honest, this is really why. I don't want my kid to end up like me and I don't want to end up like my mom. I want to end this cycle of childhood dysfunction and pain. How could I possibly give a child what they need when I'm still this damaged at 32 years old? I can't. And that is also very unfortunate. 




17 comments :

  1. I'm not exactly sure that I can offer any words of comfort- I am new to your blog, but I have read it religiously since I found it, and really enjoy each of your posts. I think that you are a talented woman, who loves and is loved, and I wanted to let you know that I have added you to my prayers. Thank you for sharing your story, raising awareness that not everyone is exactly as they seem, and everyone is fighting their own daily battle. My takeaway is to be nice to everyone you meet, because you don't know what that person is battling with that day in their life. And to always be genuine and real, thank you for being real.
    xo
    Jamie
    http://snapginger.com

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  2. Like Jamie -- I doubt I have words of comfort here. I think often people overlook the importance of one's childhood. No one's childhood is all sunshine and rainbows, but I doubt many folks had to experience the things you did. I had some rather traumatizing experiences, but thankfully, I was much older 12+ and could relatively understand what was going on. While those experiences pale in comparison in every way to what you've described here, they were -- something that took me years to overcome. That is to say, while I don't understand your own experience, I feel in a very, VERY small way I can relate. If if took me years to overcome painful experiences that I, at least, vaguely understood at the time, I can't even imagine overcoming a multitude of experiences that happened when you were way too young to understand.


    With all of that said, know that I think this post is amazing and so are you. Granted, we all have to be slightly unbalanced to start a blog and share our lives on the internet -- but I've always felt like you come across as "real" and I can't say that about everyone. I don't know what "peace" looks like for you my friend, but I do hope that you stumble across it one day.


    -Kate
    www.theflorkens.com

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  3. Katherine LacabeJuly 20, 2014 at 1:20 PM

    I am sorry you had to go through all that in your chid hood. I cannot relate, but I can only say that you are a strong person. Look at this blog you built and the number of followers you have. You are talented, needed, and anted. I can only say to try to make what you went through into a positive some how. Maybe be a big sister for someone. Turn it around. You CAN do it. I think all your readers would agree on that.

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  4. Jordyn SiffermanJuly 20, 2014 at 4:30 PM

    Thanks for sharing your story, although I'm sorry to hear you had to go through so much. I also had a difficult childhood as my parents struggled with substance abuse although I know it cannot compare to yours as I was lucky enough to have an Aunt who took in my brother and I. I can relate to the closeness you feel to your brother since you both went through the same trauma, struggled the same struggle. I'm so sorry the two of you were separated.
    I know I sometimes feel angry and bitter because there are so many short comings I feel from not having a stable family life. Even now, in college, I crave this sort of familial affection from all the wrong people. When I have a boyfriend I demand too much because I subconsciously look to fill a void that no one can really ever feel. I do believe you can continue moving forward though, live a happy fulfilled life and let your past make you a stronger person.

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  5. I'm so sorry to hear that you had to go through all of this...I can't relate, so I'm not going to pretend I can. But I am truly sorry you had to live like this, and that it's still haunting you (how could it not). I know it's been a hard week - although I don't know why - but you are doing well, at least from what I know about you. You mention having had a drug problem, but you don't anymore. And that's an amazing accomplishment, which I understand because a lot of people in my family have struggled with addictions.


    All I can think to say without minimizing the awful things you've gone through is that you could have let this completely destroy you, and you haven't. Maybe things will never be perfect, but I don't think they are for anyone. You seem like a really strong woman, and that counts for so much.

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  6. I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time and that you feel like you do. I unfortunately
    (or more rightly, fortunately) can completely relate to you. My mum spent most of my early childhood in psychiatric care of one form or another and from the age of 7 we became wards of court. I don't have the answers but I do understand...if you need a safe, unrelated person to rant at, please message me x

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  7. Hey girl. Lots and lots of people can relate to your fears and frustrations, so thank you for hitting publish on this. One thing that really helped me when I was working through my own "will I be just as god-awful, terrible, crazy as my own parents" was the book "East of Eden" by John Steinbeck. The characters go through the same struggle, and Steinbeck's discussion about free-will and forging our own path is really, really life-affirming and inspiring. It really helped me, and I hope it can be a good resource for you too! xoxo.

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  8. You know what, you're not damaged and you can be whoever you choose to be. Life is a series of choices...and I'm not really sure if you want any advice from me or anyone else...but you have to release it all, forgive them all, then forgive yourself. Your mom did what she could. Your father probably didn't know how to love either. But you're not IMPOSSIBLE to love, therefore it's not IMPOSSIBLE for you to love, be love, walk in love, no matter what has happened or is happening. My story is different from yours, but I had to grow up fast, face my fears, deal with insecurities, but most importantly, I had to learn to not be a victim and not assume that I was the only person in the world with such issues as mine. In fact, many people go through way worse and still come out victorious; you have the power to decide that for yourself. Sometimes looking at someone else's hurt doesn't alleviate your own, but you really do have to let it go and fight for your life and fight for your happiness everyday...you deserve to be alive and happy and well just as much as anyone else in this world.


    And if God, the universe, whatever you call a higher force, sees fit for you to be a mom, you will be.


    All love. I hope with everything in me that you decide to let it go, to feel, be, do better.

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  9. You saw things and were treated in a way that no child ever should be. There is nothing wrong with you but something terribly wrong with the way you grew up. It sent you all kinds of negative messages and formed the way you view the world now. I've heard it said before and I'll say it again because it wasn't until I was in one of the darkest times in my life that I realized it to be true. You can't love anyone until you love yourself. Which also means you can't love fully love anyone so that they can fully love you back until you are okay with yourself. It's so crazy but it's so true. You've been in therapy so I'm probably not telling you something you don't know. It all has to start with you but it is possible. Just don't give up!! There are too many good things in the world that you miss out on when you are that depressed and that down on yourself. I hope you can find your way out.

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  10. My comment is in your inbox. You are brave and awe-striking.

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  11. You are so brave for sharing this! & i love you for it! And there is definitely NOTHING wrong with you! and I think going through what you have gone through would actually make you an amazing mother. Because you know how not to treat a child and to give them all of the love that you feel you've missed out on. My mother went through something similar in her childhood and she is the most amazing person I have ever met. I truly believe we are all put here for a reason and I think you sharing your story is apart of yours <3

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  12. My heart breaks for the childhood you lost, for the struggle you have had to endure. I missed out on my mother in my childhood to drug and alcohol abuse but I luckily had my Dad who was a source of strength. You have a strength that I don't even think you realize because most people would have broken, you made it out. Yes with some bumps and bruises but every day you prove your strength. Grab on to your happiness because no matter what any one tells you, even yourself, you deserve it.

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  13. kelly, so so sorry for your struggles! it sucks we have to get the hand that we are dealt and you've experienced a lot of negativity. i hope that you can find some peace and joy in everyday life. i've had some recent struggles too and feeling down and just trying to (as cheesy/dumb as it sounds) - count my blessings and trying to be more happy in the moment. hang in there dear and i'm hear if you need to chat.

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  14. I can relate to parts of your story. I have my own issuers with abandonment and anger, and for similar reasons to yours. And I am right there with you feeling like I am not ever going to change. I have no advice to offer because I haven't figured out how to "fix" myself yet (and I'm not sure I should have to), but I do want to say that I think you are stronger than you think you are.

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  15. no child should grow up without parents being present; that's heartbreaking and unfair. however, that doesn't mean something is wrong with you. you are not damaged and you have the power to carve your path in life; to make your destiny to be who you want to be. yes, you were dealt with a shitty hand and my heart breaks for the childhood that you didn't get to have and the love that you didn't get because all children deserve to feel secure and loved.

    your past, while painful, doesn't have to shape your future. do not imprison yourself with what your parents did (or didn't do) and do not let your past be your future. you can fight to change things, to be different than your parents, to be a different person, TO BE HAPPY or you can choose not to. the decision is up to you. i'm not saying it won't be a tough journey, but you have the power to make a change for the better; you just have to work hard to do it. thank you for sharing your story; that was a very brave thing to do.

    -kathy
    Vodka and Soda

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  16. I'm very behind on commenting, and I don't have any words of encouragement to offer, but I just wanted to say I read and appreciate your bravery and honesty in this post. Sometimes life isn't fair and sometimes life just sucks - plain and simple. While I won't pretend I can relate to the pain you experienced as a child, I will say that I've also had moments/days/years/etc in which I resent the person I (sometimes) am and the experiences I feel forced me to become a certain way. I hope you find peace and happiness because you deserve it.

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  17. Sarah @girlfriendshoesAugust 27, 2014 at 11:41 AM

    holy crap it was like a just read something I wrote about myself. Different circumstances of course but whoa right down to reasons I may never be a mom. From one raging lunatic to another, you rock.

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