I'm A Statistic

I don't even know where this post is going. It's like a LiveJournal rant. Hashtag throwback! I wanted so much for myself this year. And I truly mean SELF. My only goal for 2015 was to fix me. Be genuinely happy with me and who I am. While I've been doing great, since even before the new year, I've to come realize that you cannot change who you are. If you're destined for chaos and destruction, there isn't much you can do about it. Try after try after try to love yourself and see things in a brighter light and think more positive, only to be dropped right back down to the depths of where your inner demons live. All a wasted effort. 88% of "resolutions" fail within the first 2 weeks of the year. I'm now a statistic.

While I don't want to darken this post with why I've failed already, I'll simply say that ... I am who I am. Trying to change who I am, even for the better, just isn't good for anyone. It isn't good for me, having to suffocate through the times when I want to flip out but have to work on taking a different route, it makes me feel fake. And being this way for the last month or so, has clearly caused a build up that made me snap. I'm a shitty person and I will always be a shitty person. I'm unhappy with myself and my choices that haunt me and that's the way it will always be.  Trying to change who I am isn't good for anyone around me either. They think it's gonna be peaceful from here on out and then the storm comes back again. Sadly, I typically get the "oh I'm so proud of you, you're coming so far, I can really see you have a better outlook" but then when I have a set back (because I'm a fucking human) all I hear is "you never tried." And now everyone is in chaos because I derailed the positivity train. All while watching the world around me filled with the ones who really don't try to better themselves, and the ones that just want you to change. Ya know, the hypocrites. I've experienced this far too many times in my life. People who do not support your journey to a healthier you, a better you, a happier you, do not deserve to exist in your world. I've walked away from people that meant the world to me simply because when it was time for me to spread my wings and do something to make me happy, I got shit on. A lot.

There will always be at least one person that wants to see you fail... at life as a whole. There will always be someone that smiles to your face and tells you how wonderful you are and how much they love and care, only to retract all that the moment they feel threatened by your joy. Today, unfortunately, I am that person to me. 

Nothing like a debbie downer post for a bright Tuesday morning. 

I made a video recently discussing what I learned in 2014 and what I hope to get out of 2015. If I watched that today, it would probably make me puke. (maybe I need to film a revised one). 
Things really can change over night, and when they do, it's usually not for the better. 

If this dragged you into my misery, you can get picked back up in seeing how positive I was last week.

I also posted my favorite video yet, I'm really getting a hang of editing. If you missed that you can click on the photo below. As well as the giveaway I still have going on!

I hope you are all having a beautiful day! xo

I'm giving away TWO of the Jaclyn Hill Morphe Eyeshadow Palettes!
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  1. I think the reason most resolutions fail is because they focus on what's 'wrong' with us or what we think we need to change about ourselves. You've hit the nail on the head when you say we can't change who we are. We can't change the things we have done in the past either. We can certainly change how we react to and handle situations in the future but at the end of the day we are who we are. That doesn't mean we are destined to be miserable or unhappy. But rather than focusing on what you think you need to change about yourself, instead just focus on doing more of the things that makes you happy. Sometimes this can mean making quite big changes in your life. It seems cliche but I kept a 'happiness' journal last year and it made such a difference for me. To begin with, I thought it was so lame and stupid and I struggled to find something to write down. It ended up shifting my whole perspective on things. I learned to cut out toxic people, I learned to let things go and I learned to be more forgiving of myself. I also learned that positivity, while great, does not equate to happiness. I hope you are able to see this 'blip' in the road as just a setback, rather than a failure, and that you find your way back on track soon.

  2. Girl. I feel like everytime I take a few steps forward I take wayyyy too many back. The thing about life is, you can't always control it. No matter how much we try to take control of ourselves, and we are supposed to be in control...shit happens. I think you're pretty damn awesome and love your realness. Growing older and wiser allows us to be real and raw...and that is some pretty great stuff. Xo!

  3. You had me the first sentence in saying livejournal - it's not something I hear a lot. Maybe that is why I feel so connected with you. ha! And you are who you are, trying to change you as a whole, isn't great nor should you!

  4. Yes I agree to write things down especially those things that make you happy and make you be so grateful for!!

  5. I think often times we can be hard on ourselves and need to take a step back and look at the big picture. Trust me I have been struggling so much with my outlook, it's a constant battle of the mind. I'm gonna blog about it tonight and hopefully hit that publish button LOL.

    It would be good for you to seek a group that can be positive and support you at the same time. Maybe a book club, or a youth group somewhere. They're out there girlie! All you have to do is search and ask and you'll find what you're looking for :)

  6. Gosh I wish we could be real life friends, we have so much in common girlfran.

  7. Oh and who was the Australian vlogger you mentioned?

  8. I would just write down what made me happy each day in a diary. It took a lot of effort in the early days- often I couldn't think of something to write and felt like I was writing nonsense but it really helped me with gratitude and helped me to appreciate the small wins. I also wrote a blog post each month to briefly sum up what made me happy in the last month. I felt like this made me
    more accountable and made me keep up with it. It's weird. 2014 was one of the toughest years of my life but towards the second half of the year, I was happier than I had been in quite a while. I hope it helps you if you decide to try it.

  9. A lot of the reason why resolutions fail as well is that folks set HUGE goals with no plan. And just because you had a bad day or a bad week, doesn't mean failure. I lost like 40 pounds a few years ago, and I had bad days for sure. Don't be so hard on yourself.

  10. I agree with Donna about taking a moment before bed each day to reflect on what made you happy. It could be big or small. At first it seems hard, but once you re-train yourself to look at the positives rather than dwell on the negatives, it becomes easier and easier, and sometimes you find more and more things that make you happy. I started doing this a few months ago, and I can already see a change in myself. I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I was young, so I have an idea of what you are going through and I know first hand how tough making even the smallest change can be. I can be done, but the key is actually wanting to do it. I know you want to, or you wouldn't be trying so hard (and you are, I can see it). Sometimes you have to take a couple steps back on your journey in order to move forward again.

  11. i bookmarked to read this post again later, it inspired some good thinking