Things I'm Afraid To Tell You

It was probably around a year ago that I started this post. It was a popular post going around the blog world and one that I was really interested in but also kinda scared of it. Probably because most things that people don't know about you are the things that you keep tucked away because you yourself don't even want to know about them. But I promised myself that with this blog rebirth that I would try my hardest to get back to why I made this little place to being with. To share me, and to deal with me.

When Helene announced that she was going to be hosting a "You Probably Don't Know" link up, I remembered that something similar had been going around last year and it gave me the push to restart this post. And of course, I'm still late to the party because this link up was for last Thursday.... hey, I said I'm trying. So here goes, here are some things that you may not know about me.

As a child, I spent a couple of years in a foster home. My mom struggled with a severe (and controversial) mental illness and spent time in a hospital for it. A lot of the memories are blurry, but I do remember visiting her there often and I also remember what it was like seeing the other patients in the ward. Being in a foster home was okay. It was a single mom with a teenage daughter and that daughter hated me. But the mom was nice, she took me on vacations and gave me a lot of structure that a child needs, but unfortunately that structure didn't continue after leaving her.

I have a lot of anxiety that only developed about 5 years ago. Even the littlest things can cause me to feel overly anxious. Going to the store, driving, going to work, leaving work, phone calls, shopping, I could make this list a mile long. It sounds ridiculous, but it's really stressful. I feel like I'm limited to what I can do on my own, I always want someone with me because it makes me feel a little bit more at ease. 

I don't really have any friends. Like at all. When I moved away from home 6 years ago, everything changed. When I started to fail at settling in, I disconnected and shut out everyone. And since living in LA, I haven't made any real friends, not one. I don't have a girlfriend to text when something funny happens, or to go have a drink with or get our nails done. I think I'm used to it by now, but I know that it's not healthy and I do get kinda lonely. It's hitting me lately because I'm going to BeautyCon next month and I have no one to go with, and that's making me anxious.

I've never lost anyone really close to me to death. And that makes me terrified of death because I have no idea how to deal with it and I come off as cold and uncaring when other people are dealing with loss. I've lost pets, a lot, and that is the absolute worst pain I've ever felt. 

I'm really hard on myself, but no one except Robert really ever gets to see it. I call myself ugly, fat, gross and disgusting more often than I'll admit. I beat myself up at work because I don't feel like I'm good at my job. I get mad at myself for my laziness, lack of motivation and commitment to things I want. And I blame myself for a lot of things that I shouldn't.

I feel like I have no real purpose in this world. Spending my life sitting in a cubicle can't be all I'm here for. It just seems like time is going so quickly and that I'm getting left behind.

I'm scared to be a mom. I wrote this post two years ago and I don't know how I feel anymore about it. I do want to be a mom someday but I'm just really afraid. Not just scared that I'll be a bad mom but look at this world we're living in right now. How much scarier is it gonna get? Is there even going to be a world left for my children or their children?

I don't talk to my extended family. I talk to my siblings, mom and one cousin. But I don't associate with any aunts, uncles, my grandma, the other 6,123 cousins I have and all their kids, etc. My family on my moms side is really big but I never really knew most of them and the ones I do know I'm just not close with, and most I only met a few times.

I have two half brothers from my dad. I knew them when I was little but I haven't seen them since I was probably 6 or 7 years old I think. That kinda bothers me but I never really dwell on it. My real brother is in my life and he is amazing and the only brother I need.

It's been 20 years since I've seen or talked to my dad. Twenty years. I was 13 years old when he last existed in my life. I often wonder if he remembers me or wonders about what I'm doing or if he just completely forgot that he has other children. I also think about reaching out to him, and I think about meeting up with him the next time I fly home. But I'm just not sure I want to deal with his rejection again. His wife (my half brothers mom) is on my Facebook and I sometimes want to message her about him, and I often wonder if she shows him my page or if he asks her about me. But honestly, I really feel like he doesn't remember me so I figure it's better not to bother.

Some days I really regret moving to Los Angeles. I spent my whole life living in the suburbs (Newton and Natick Massachusetts) so it was a real shock to come to one of the biggest and busiest cities in the world. Six years later and I'm still not used to it. There's just so many people, everywhere. Nothing is ever calming, everything is always chaotic and at maximum capacity. I haven't really enjoyed anything in the years that I've lived here because any time I go to do something exciting, it's always ruined by a clusterfuck of too many people. Not only that but it's a very expensive place to live. Very!  If I was making the same salary back home and living the same life, I'd be all set. But here in LA, I live paycheck to paycheck and it's suffocating. The rent alone is absolutely asinine (and we live in an old crappy building!). On most days I really don't like it here at all, but I try not to complain about it because it was a big choice that I made, and it's one that I'm kinda stuck in right now.

Okay, I think that's enough debbie-downer for today. Let's get back to some happy things! It would make me really happy if you would please subscribe to my YouTube channel! I put up a new vlog this week, where you'll see a surprise that Robert and I are working on! And I also did a mini room makeover. I've been really enjoying filming and editing the vlogs and would love for you to check them out!

In other news, I made a post a little while back that I wanted to do a Q&A on my channel. But of course, I need questions. If there's anything you'd like to know about me, please feel free to ask!  


Vlog Five - Podcasting and Room Makeover
Vlog Four - Going Blonde
Vlog Three - May Out and About
Vlog Two - Meeting Jenna Marbles and Julien
Vlog One - April Out and About

This was a tough one to post, I appreciate anyone that takes the time to get this little glimpse inside my darker corners.


Pool Day Essentials

It's that time of year again! (Let's pretend that someone not living in southern California just wrote that). But really though, summer is here and now is the time we all start heading to the pool, the beach, the lake, any kind of body of water that you can find! My birthday is this week, today actually, so I'm taking two days off work to be by myself and relax by the pool. Plot twist, my blog name is my birthday. Who already knew that? 

My apartment complex isn't really on the luxurious side and they don't bother ever taking care of the pool furniture so laying out there often makes my eyes roll. This time though, I went prepared. Screw their stupid broken lounges, I'm bringing a float! How did I never know that it's way more comfortable to catch a tan when you're floating around in the pool instead of next to it? What world have I been living in?  Along with my float, I brought out some other summertime-body of water necessities. 

swimsuit | sunglasses

  • A book - to keep my mind on something other than the heat. And plus I'm so close to finishing Ronda's book I needed it with me! 
  • Sunglasses - I never take my nice sunnies to the pool, things get too messy with suntan oil and pool water and all that, so I always bring out a cheap pair. 
  • Pool Float - You can snag one for under ten bucks at places like Target and CVS, that's what I did. 
  • Outfit - bathing suit, flip flops and some sort of cover up if necessary. 
  • SPF and tanning oil - I like to use something that brings out the bronze more, but I always make sure to put something stronger on my face, especially my eyelids. And don't forget a protective lip balm too! 
  • Water! - Don't ever be fooled by the sun, always have water with you. I keep mine under a towel or chair so it's not directly in the sun. 
  • A boozy beverage - if you're feeling frisky. My personal favorite lately, as I mentioned in my May Favorites video is the Viniq Ruby with ice, fresh lime and seltzer water. So good!

Let me know what some of your summer staples are, while I'm out spending my birthday on my silly little $10 float! Oh and since it's my birthday, can you please subscribe to my YouTube channel? Ok byyee!


A Rebirth

Six One Six is now two years old. And has been through a name change, at least 6 (maybe 10) face changes, and unfortunately a lot of neglect. But she's still kicking! In June of 2013, I decided to stop being "on the outside looking in" of the blog world. After reading blogs for years (and desperately missing my LiveJournal days) I took the plunge into a community that I wasn't sure I would have a place in. Fast forward two years, this little blog of mine doesn't really have a place anymore. I've let her crumble to the bottom of the barrel. 

When I started this blog, I had funny things to share, lots of stories and even opened up about anxiety, depression, addiction and weight struggles. I was really building this place up to be something, I was proud of it, I loved it and so did many others. Being in love with my own blog space as well as reading others and developing friendships with other bloggers, was starting to become a solid part of my life. But in 2014, I kinda lost myself. I let one aspect of my life that was falling apart destroy everything else that made me happy. I stopped having anything fun to blog about, I didn't want to open up about anything anymore, and I slowly just stopped showing up here. And then I stopped showing up to other blogs, and my friends blogs and I kinda just fell away from this world that had grown to mean so much to me in such a short period of time. 

I was sad. About so much. But I couldn't write about any of it. My blog was dead. 

It didn't take long for me to start going stir crazy and needing an outlet again. Apparently I had a boost of confidence one day because I just up and started a YouTube channel! Originally my thought was that it would help me work through my anxiety while also allowing me to be creative and have something to keep me distracted from all the hate I was feeling. Twenty something videos later I'm realizing how little time I have to put into something that requires so much. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my channel, I wish I could quit my job and focus 100% on my channel and blog, but I unfortunately don't have that luxury. What I do have though, is a spark again. A spark for this little space of mine, my little baby, my blog. I miss it. I miss reading other blogs, I miss my blog friends, I miss the "oh my god, me too!" when reading someone's post, I just miss the blog world. So, I'm coming home. 

I wanted to keep things simple so that I don't get overwhelmed, so I've got a whole new look going on. I kept it so simple that I don't even have a sidebar! I still have to tweak some things, like relabeling all my posts and changing a few post images. But I've got a new "about me" so at least the hardest part is done haha!  A lot of us have kept in touch through social media, but an extra thank you to those that have stuck by me and still showed up here to show love on the random times I came around. I hope that people can enjoy this space with me again!

Now to decided on a picture for this post...