Things I'm Afraid To Tell You


It was probably around a year ago that I started this post. It was a popular post going around the blog world and one that I was really interested in but also kinda scared of it. Probably because most things that people don't know about you are the things that you keep tucked away because you yourself don't even want to know about them. But I promised myself that with this blog rebirth that I would try my hardest to get back to why I made this little place to being with. To share me, and to deal with me.


When Helene announced that she was going to be hosting a "You Probably Don't Know" link up, I remembered that something similar had been going around last year and it gave me the push to restart this post. And of course, I'm still late to the party because this link up was for last Thursday.... hey, I said I'm trying. So here goes, here are some things that you may not know about me.





As a child, I spent a couple of years in a foster home. My mom struggled with a severe (and controversial) mental illness and spent time in a hospital for it. A lot of the memories are blurry, but I do remember visiting her there often and I also remember what it was like seeing the other patients in the ward. Being in a foster home was okay. It was a single mom with a teenage daughter and that daughter hated me. But the mom was nice, she took me on vacations and gave me a lot of structure that a child needs, but unfortunately that structure didn't continue after leaving her.


I have a lot of anxiety that only developed about 5 years ago. Even the littlest things can cause me to feel overly anxious. Going to the store, driving, going to work, leaving work, phone calls, shopping, I could make this list a mile long. It sounds ridiculous, but it's really stressful. I feel like I'm limited to what I can do on my own, I always want someone with me because it makes me feel a little bit more at ease. 


I don't really have any friends. Like at all. When I moved away from home 6 years ago, everything changed. When I started to fail at settling in, I disconnected and shut out everyone. And since living in LA, I haven't made any real friends, not one. I don't have a girlfriend to text when something funny happens, or to go have a drink with or get our nails done. I think I'm used to it by now, but I know that it's not healthy and I do get kinda lonely. It's hitting me lately because I'm going to BeautyCon next month and I have no one to go with, and that's making me anxious.


I've never lost anyone really close to me to death. And that makes me terrified of death because I have no idea how to deal with it and I come off as cold and uncaring when other people are dealing with loss. I've lost pets, a lot, and that is the absolute worst pain I've ever felt. 


I'm really hard on myself, but no one except Robert really ever gets to see it. I call myself ugly, fat, gross and disgusting more often than I'll admit. I beat myself up at work because I don't feel like I'm good at my job. I get mad at myself for my laziness, lack of motivation and commitment to things I want. And I blame myself for a lot of things that I shouldn't.


I feel like I have no real purpose in this world. Spending my life sitting in a cubicle can't be all I'm here for. It just seems like time is going so quickly and that I'm getting left behind.


I'm scared to be a mom. I wrote this post two years ago and I don't know how I feel anymore about it. I do want to be a mom someday but I'm just really afraid. Not just scared that I'll be a bad mom but look at this world we're living in right now. How much scarier is it gonna get? Is there even going to be a world left for my children or their children?


I don't talk to my extended family. I talk to my siblings, mom and one cousin. But I don't associate with any aunts, uncles, my grandma, the other 6,123 cousins I have and all their kids, etc. My family on my moms side is really big but I never really knew most of them and the ones I do know I'm just not close with, and most I only met a few times.


I have two half brothers from my dad. I knew them when I was little but I haven't seen them since I was probably 6 or 7 years old I think. That kinda bothers me but I never really dwell on it. My real brother is in my life and he is amazing and the only brother I need.


It's been 20 years since I've seen or talked to my dad. Twenty years. I was 13 years old when he last existed in my life. I often wonder if he remembers me or wonders about what I'm doing or if he just completely forgot that he has other children. I also think about reaching out to him, and I think about meeting up with him the next time I fly home. But I'm just not sure I want to deal with his rejection again. His wife (my half brothers mom) is on my Facebook and I sometimes want to message her about him, and I often wonder if she shows him my page or if he asks her about me. But honestly, I really feel like he doesn't remember me so I figure it's better not to bother.


Some days I really regret moving to Los Angeles. I spent my whole life living in the suburbs (Newton and Natick Massachusetts) so it was a real shock to come to one of the biggest and busiest cities in the world. Six years later and I'm still not used to it. There's just so many people, everywhere. Nothing is ever calming, everything is always chaotic and at maximum capacity. I haven't really enjoyed anything in the years that I've lived here because any time I go to do something exciting, it's always ruined by a clusterfuck of too many people. Not only that but it's a very expensive place to live. Very!  If I was making the same salary back home and living the same life, I'd be all set. But here in LA, I live paycheck to paycheck and it's suffocating. The rent alone is absolutely asinine (and we live in an old crappy building!). On most days I really don't like it here at all, but I try not to complain about it because it was a big choice that I made, and it's one that I'm kinda stuck in right now.


Okay, I think that's enough debbie-downer for today. Let's get back to some happy things! It would make me really happy if you would please subscribe to my YouTube channel! I put up a new vlog this week, where you'll see a surprise that Robert and I are working on! And I also did a mini room makeover. I've been really enjoying filming and editing the vlogs and would love for you to check them out!

In other news, I made a post a little while back that I wanted to do a Q&A on my channel. But of course, I need questions. If there's anything you'd like to know about me, please feel free to ask!  

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Vlog Five - Podcasting and Room Makeover
Vlog Four - Going Blonde
Vlog Three - May Out and About
Vlog Two - Meeting Jenna Marbles and Julien
Vlog One - April Out and About



This was a tough one to post, I appreciate anyone that takes the time to get this little glimpse inside my darker corners.

xo




21 comments :

  1. you are amazing for sharing all of this. this is a beautiful, well written post and it really gives me a side of you I didn't know. Thanks for opening up. I think in life we are handed a lot of shit (clearly some more than others) but you'd never know what you've gone through, and I think that's saying something.

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  2. i mean, you're deeper and more amazing than any words are ever going to do justice. and that's really all i have to say because it feels so coming up short.


    also, your youtube channel makes me so happy and i'm ridiculously obsessed with watching your videos because i just want to listen to you make me laugh (slash apply make-up WAY more beautifully than I could ever fathom).

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  3. This is amazing. I really enjoyed getting to know you better. You = Awesome

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  4. I think you are so brave for opening up these parts of you! I know how it feels to grow up in a broken home and I know how it feels to be lonely and friendless. I'm sorry you feel so alone and anxious and like you are lacking a purpose in this world-those feelings are so deflating. You are a beautiful woman inside and out and I know you don't know me that well but just know if you ever want a girl to text funny things to or need to talk or vent I am so here for you girl!

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  5. I agree. There has to be more to the cubicle life, but I just haven't figured it out yet. In the meantime I just try to enjoy life outside of work as much as possible. I too am not close to extended family. It's hard to reach out when you've never known them at all. We always lived on different coasts so I didn't grow up knowing them.

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  6. We have so much in common, it's scary. <3

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  7. I don't really have any close girlfriends anymore. I feel ya on that.

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  8. I don't have anymore friends either. I feel like ever since I had to downgrade my apt to living with roommates and switching jobs, my friendship circle has drastically changed. But that's not a bad thing because that only means better people will come along. I think you should try joining a book club or something of that sort and get you around other people your age and you'll make a friend :) I also have half brothers I haven't seen since I was little and it makes me sad but what can you do? I think you should reach out to your dad, you never know! love you!!

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  9. Great post Sunshine! Some of this stuff I knew and some I didn't. Some I certainly can relate to. Lots of respect for putting this out there girl. Not sure why i deleted Bloglovin in the first place, but glad to have it back. Keep up the great work! Xo

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  10. exactly! I always tell myself "stop, no one else would let this get to them" but then that makes me more anxious.
    Isn't it weird how it's so much harder to connect with people when we're adults? Such a bummer we don't live near each other and we could be our own little group :)

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  11. thank you so so much <3 I ran away from here after posting this, thank you for seeing it in such a positive way!

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  12. thank you <3 you always say the nicest things to me! it really means a lot!
    xoxox

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  13. thank you so much for reading it! <3

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  14. I don't think that anything could have just melted my heart, lifted my spirit and made me smile more than this comment. thank you.
    <3

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  15. thank you so much <3 it means a lot to me that I've inspired you! can you give me your blog link? It's not showing up in your disqus profile
    xo

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  16. has to be! I feel like the years just waste past me sitting in there. Everything is so routine and never changing. I've been trying more lately to get out and do things too, even if it's just to sit outside after work or go for a walk around the block.

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  17. I know and it forever bothers me that we live so far away and can never hang out :(
    <3 <3 <3

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  18. my blog link is http://pancakesandsparkles.blogspot.co.uk/ I would love to here from you!

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  19. I feel the same way as you! I don't have any friends either! I went down a wrong path, picked the wrong friends, then cleaned up my act...and stopped all of my friendships! I have lots of regrets, and put myself down a lot! But, on the upside...I have become extremely close to my family! My nephew, and nephew on-the-way, are the best thing that could have happened to me!!!

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  20. We all have regrets, big or small. But we continue for the people we love. I hope you find peace and life's purpose.

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  21. I'm really late to reading this post, but damn girl we have a lot in common. My anxiety has risen like crazy the past 3 years and it's so hard to explain to people. I get it over so many things and people kind of laugh it off, but it's so suffocating and hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my life away. While I do love my job, I know that I have more to offer than managing a hectic salon and spa. I want to save lives, inspire people, change the damn world...and I don't know where to start. I would totally be your friend in LA. I like getting my nails done but I also love just laying on the couch eating some french onion dip and watching Real Housewives. I feel like I could go on and on with this comment...maybe I should just email you. Regardless, I think you're pretty amazing. Thanks for sharing things and letting us get to know you better.

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