Life Update / The Breakup

I'm ready now.

I want to actually start this by saying... I don't want to mud sling (but oh how I could!). I want to try to tell my story, my truth, THE truth, without dragging and disrespecting anyone else. This is going to be very hard considering the actions that have taken place and the lies that have been told to myself and others. Maybe I just won't get too deep. That's what I'm in therapy for...

A few months ago my life changed drastically; flipped upside down, complete devastation, absolute heartbreak. Or so I thought.  What I didn't see at the time was how beautiful this change would actually be, and how ugly my life was. Without going into too much detail of how the conversation went and the influences that were involved.... to put it simply, we broke up. Engagement over, five year relationship ended. But honestly, that wasn't even the worst part. The worst was the following two months, and the choices he made - while telling me to keep hope and that we'd be getting back together. Damn man, you think you know someone and then one day they completely become the exact person they said they'd never be, doing all the things they said they'd never do, living lies, telling lies, it was madness. A lot of why I'm not going to get into detail is because most the information I have, is not known to all of the other parties in this situation... muahahaha. Idiots, all idiots.

And also, if I'm being really honest, Robert and I are in a good place right now and getting along really well.

No, we're not working things out. We're just getting along. After the breakup, we were still living together for a couple months and that was THE most shitty situation I've ever been in. We pretended to get along, when really I wanted to slice his throat and he was lying to my face about things I already knew the truth to. It was a really unhealthy living situation for both of us, we tried to keep things civil, but the tension was insane. It should have been a blood bath. But we made it out alive. We both left that apartment behind and have settled into our own new places. And it has made such a difference in dealing with the break up and dealing with each other for certain situations we've still needed to handle. We're both in a happier, healthier place now. I've been to his new apartment to see how he's living, he's been to mine to see that I'm doing ok, and has helped me with some things in my move, and of course to visit DeNiro because in case you were wondering, I most definitely got him in this separation. But Robert is allowed visitation rights... and DeNiro loves that. He loves his daddy.

Are we going to be best friends and get along forever? Probably not. But when you spend five years with someone, you have a hard time pretending like you guys don't exist anymore. He still likes to make sure I'm ok and help me with things, I still like to see how he's doing in the midst of all his daily chaos (and any other chaos he manages to find himself in lol). I guess to put it simply, right now we still care about each other. I'm sure over time as we both continue to move on and more people come into our own lives, things will change. And that's ok too.

How I've viewed this breakup: Well, sometimes people allow others to influence their emotions and actions. Sometimes people stray. Sometimes people are just fed up, just over it. Whatever the case may be, (in our situation all of the above and more), it doesn't matter anymore. We know our truth, I know the truth, and the peanut gallery will never know what they don't want to believe. When I say that we're in a good place right now, I mean it. So much so that we've found each other on Tinder, liked, matched and messaged - because we think it's funny!  We've accepted that we're moving on and somehow we're still able to keep that silly friendship and be ok with it all. I don't know if this is all supposed to be a secret, but fuck it. There's been enough secrets, people shouldn't be afraid of the truth. I've stayed quiet long enough.

How I'm doing now:  I'm happy. When this first happened, I immediately got into therapy, twice a week. Thankfully! I'm now going once a week and not really focusing on this situation but working more towards other things I've needed to work through. Going to therapy really helped me see things differently, I got out of my head and saw things for what they were. I also have some of the most amazing friends and support behind me, that I never really knew I had. I'm almost completely settled in my new apartment (and will be doing an Apartment Tour video when done). I'm gearing up to get back to consistent blogging, and back in my YouTube (posted this video a few days ago!)  I'm currently transitioning to Veganism, trying to get consistent with the gym again, and ready to live the life I deserve. Things are good :)

Moral of this story is that it was a disgusting, vile, disrespectful breakup, but a necessary one - we needed to be ended. Things were not what they seemed on social media, we were not ok and just couldn't get better. We both had a part in our relationship crumbling, and he has fully admitted that he handled the breakup wrong and made a lot of mistakes with it.  And as horrific as that breakup was, it does make me happy to know that those days are behind us and the pressure of our damaged relationship is behind us and we can associate without hate in our hearts anymore.

Basically, I have found peace.