Fuck It, I'm Done.

I started the week off planning to film what I eat all week, and make a post two days ago about getting on board the Freelee 30 day recipe situation.... but, I can't. I'm just so over food right now, it's stressing me out! Let me explain. This is about to get deep. And probably all over the place because I'm just gonna run with it and let it out.

Food and I have a love/hate, up and down relationship. It's often controlled my life for my most of my life. I've been overweight, underweight, obsessive, diet pill junkie, laxative junkie, starved myself, overate, you name it - if it has anything to do with an unhealthy relationship with food, I've been there. And I'm exhausted. This plan and that plan, this new fad and that new fad. I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE. 

I go through these phases where: I spend all of my money on food. I go to the grocery store every.single.day. My fridge, freezer and pantry are always stocked and stuffed. And it's not just at home, my work desk drawer is always loaded with snacks, and I take up space in our small fridge. I spend most of my free time watching food videos on YouTube or scrolling through food Instagrams, or digging through Pinterest for food food food!  

While I've always been off and on like this - this has really started to take over me the last few months. And if we're gonna get into psychology, I can pretty much guarantee why. This year has been... there's not even a word for it. A nightmare? My life was so unexpectedly flipped upside down, and I've continued to feel tortured basically til this very day. I tried so hard to keep it together and build a new life on my own, but I'm starting to think that was really just being thrown into survival mode. Now I feel like the walls are cracking and I'm losing control of who I am. And I guess putting all my energy into anything related to food is my way of holding it all together. Why food? I don't know, probably because I was a fat kid and have always turned to food in distress. 

I'm done following plans and programs, I'm done falling for any "hot new diet trend". I don't want to keep forcing my body to eat what a program is telling it to eat. I want to listen to my body intuitively and feed it what it wants when it wants - while vegan. So I'm sorry to those of you that were looking forward to me recapping the 30 days of Freelee's plan (as I showed on Snapchat - mskellylouise), I'm still going to be sharing bits and parts of my vegan journey in blog posts and in videos, just not under any plan.


I dunno guys, I'm just sad lately. I'm really broken still. I'm so heartbroken and I still cry a lot and I'm still confused and I'm just really stressed and kinda lost I guess. A lot of shit went down recently and I feel like all the progress I made this year went backwards and I'm just really down lately. I'm trying to stay on top of the promises I made for myself with this blog but some days all I wanna do is just sleep and cry.

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